According to the internet, everything is a red flag now, from slow texters to grown men who own exactly one towel.
Some of these are personal preferences, and others are easily solved with a trip to Target. But there’s a big difference between dating someone with a few irritating habits and dating someone who makes you question yourself, your friendships, or whether you can trust them. Therapists and relationship researchers have identified some warning signs that point to bigger issues with respect, honesty, and control. Here are seven to watch for.
1. Everything Happens Way Too Fast
Two weeks into dating someone, you’re still figuring out if you even like their friends. They’re already making plans for your first anniversary. That much enthusiasm can be flattering, but when the affection comes with pressure to commit, you could be dealing with love bombing.
A University of Arkansas study of 484 college students associated love-bombing behaviors with narcissistic tendencies, insecure attachment, and lower self-esteem. There’s nothing wrong with getting excited about someone new, but it’s concerning when all that affection comes with pressure to commit before you’re ready.
2. You’re Always the Butt of the Joke
A little teasing is normal. But when someone regularly makes fun of your appearance, career, or intelligence in front of other people, then tells you to lighten up when you get upset, it’s hard to see what’s so funny. Psychologist John Gottman’s research identified contempt, including mockery and ridicule, as one of the strongest predictors of divorce among married couples.
3. They Use Silence Against You
There’s nothing wrong with needing some space after an argument. Sometimes you need a few hours before you can talk without saying something you’ll regret. But ignoring your partner for days until they give in or apologize is another matter.
Gottman calls withdrawing from conflict stonewalling, though it can also happen when someone feels overwhelmed, with no intention of punishing their partner.
4. Every Ex Was Apparently Crazy
One terrible ex? Understandable. Five terrible exes, all supposedly responsible for everything that went wrong? You have to wonder if this person has ever admitted to making a mistake. Relationships are rarely that one-sided, and someone who can’t acknowledge their own mistakes might have a hard time admitting when they’ve hurt you, too.
5. Your Friends Barely See You Anymore
Your partner gets irritated whenever you make plans without them, and seeing your friends starts coming with an argument you don’t feel like having. You find yourself turning down invitations just to avoid another fight. Isolation from friends and family is a recognized warning sign of controlling or abusive behavior, especially when your partner is the reason those relationships are suffering.
6. You’re Starting to Question Your Own Memory
It’s normal for two people to remember an argument differently. But when your partner repeatedly insists something never happened, denies saying things you distinctly remember, or accuses you of imagining everything, you can start questioning your own memory. If they’re deliberately trying to make you doubt yourself, that could be gaslighting.
7. They’re Awful to Service Workers
A guy can spend the entire date being charming, but the second he snaps at a server over something stupid, that charm goes right out the window. There’s no excuse for treating someone like crap because they’re bringing you dinner. And if he’s comfortable being that rude to a stranger right in front of you, imagine how he handles things when he’s pissed off at someone he knows.
So What Now?
People screw up in relationships. They say stupid things, lose their tempers, and make mistakes. But if you’ve had the same conversation about the same hurtful behavior 15 times and nothing has changed, there’s only so much you can blame on a bad day.
Therapist Adrienne Michelle told Cosmopolitan that positive qualities don’t excuse behavior involving control, dishonesty, or disrespect. If you’re frightened of your partner or feel controlled, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support at 800-799-7233.
As for the guy with one towel, he can probably stay. Somebody just needs to take him shopping.
The post 7 Major Red Flags in a Relationship You Should Never Ignore, According to Experts appeared first on VICE.
