Every woman with an attractive male friend has heard the same question at least once. “Are you sure he’s just a friend?”
Jenny McCarthy and her husband, Donnie Wahlberg, recently debated the issue on her podcast. Can a woman have a genuinely platonic friendship with a good-looking guy, or is someone secretly interested in something else? It’s basically the argument from When Harry Met Sally, and we’re still having it nearly 40 years later.
Matchmaker Susan Trombetti, CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, has her doubts. She told Fox News Digital that she believes many friendships between men and women begin with some romantic or sexual interest, even if nobody acts on it. But finding your friend attractive and wanting to sleep with them aren’t the same thing.
The Truth About Platonic Friendships Between Women and Attractive Men, According to Experts
There’s research suggesting that attraction can complicate friendships, especially for men. In a 2012 study, psychologist April Bleske-Rechek and her colleagues surveyed 88 pairs of opposite-sex college friends. The men reported greater attraction to their female friends than the women reported toward them. They also overestimated how interested the women were in dating them.
Granted, that’s a small group of college students, and the findings don’t mean every male friend is secretly waiting for his chance. In another sample from the same research, participants were much more likely to describe attraction as a drawback to friendship than a benefit. Having feelings for someone who sees you as a friend can be awkward, especially when you’re trying to maintain the friendship.
Trombetti’s bigger concern is what happens when someone is already in a relationship. She said emotional affairs can develop when a person starts relying on an attractive friend for intimacy they’re no longer sharing with their partner. Maybe they’re hiding conversations, flirting regularly, or getting jealous when that friend starts dating someone. At some point, it’s fair to wonder what’s going on.
But jealousy on its own doesn’t mean anything inappropriate is happening. Trombetti suggested asking whether a partner has a legitimate reason to feel uncomfortable or is struggling with insecurity. There’s a difference between being bothered by secretive behavior and demanding that your girlfriend stop speaking to every man she finds attractive.
And that’s really what the argument comes down to. You can recognize that your friend is good-looking without wanting anything romantic. If the friendship is truly platonic, being honest about it shouldn’t require much effort.
The post Can You Really Be Friends With Someone You Find Attractive? Here’s What Experts Say. appeared first on VICE.
