Every couple swears they’ll be the ones who keep having great sex forever. Then a few years go by, someone’s wearing a mouthguard to bed, and sex becomes something they’ll definitely do this weekend.
Sex researchers led by Kristen Mark followed 87 couples for a month to find out why they weren’t having sex, and the most common explanations were incredibly boring. According to their study, men and women were equally likely to say things like “it just didn’t happen” when asked why they didn’t have sex. Sometimes there simply wasn’t time.
The more interesting differences came when people started explaining whose fault it was. Women were more likely to say they weren’t in the mood or were too tired, while men pointed to their partners or the kids. So women were blaming themselves, and men were blaming the person sleeping next to them. Groundbreaking stuff.
The Surprising Reasons Couples Stop Having Sex, According to Science
The finger-pointing didn’t do anyone any favors, either. Couples who blamed their partners for not having sex also reported lower sexual satisfaction, while those who saw it as a shared situation generally felt better about their relationships. And when one person wants sex more than the other, rejection can feel personal. “For the one yearning for touch and physical contact, it really is about feeling wanted and feeling loved,” therapist Michele Weiner-Davis told CNN.
Of course, we’re talking about 87 couples, most of whom were white and heterosexual. There’s only so much we can conclude about everyone’s sex life from a month of their experiences.
It’s also possible that people have unrealistic expectations about how frequently they’re supposed to be having sex. Another study found that the percentage of American adults aged 18 to 64 having sex weekly dropped from 55% in 1990 to 37% in 2024. And research led by Amy Muise at the University of Toronto Mississauga found that couples having sex more than once a week weren’t any happier than those doing it weekly. “It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner without putting pressure,” Muise explained.
Then there’s the uncomfortable business of actually talking about sex. Admitting that you feel rejected or that you’re unhappy with how things are going takes some vulnerability, especially when you’re not sure how your partner will react.
“Even when you’ve been with someone for years, talking about sex can be scary because you’re exposing a really vulnerable part of yourself,” Mark told Men’s Health.
Sometimes the explanation really is as boring as two exhausted people who have to get up early for work. And one of them still has to put that damn mouthguard in.
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