Last week, I was on a flight with the sort of bone-jangling turbulence that shakes panicky thoughts loose. My mind turned to my daughter. Did she know how much I loved her?
Sometimes, life gives us prompts — like my lurching plane — that make us realize what we’ve left unsaid to someone we care about, said Frish Brandt, who teaches a course in “essential letter writing” at the Stanford University School of Medicine.
Brandt, who calls herself a “letter midwife,” has spent more than a decade advising hospitals and hospices on how their residents can write important letters to people they love. She has a new book, called “Unfinished Business: Writing the Five Essential Letters of Your Life.” The five themes are: thank you; I’m sorry; I miss you; I love you; and goodbye.
Over her years of teaching, Brandt has realized that “everyone has a letter,” she said. “Everyone has something that they have long held inside.”
I decided it was time to put pen to paper and let my daughter know how I really feel about her, so I asked Brandt to take me through the steps.
Decide on your recipient
Maybe the person you want to write to is obvious, Brandt said. If not, write down a few names, she suggested, “and see which is calling to you.”
Once you have a name, she said, make some notes about what you’re longing to say. “Start on a not-precious piece of paper and just scribble down your thoughts,” she said. If it feels better to have parameters, set a timer for 15 minutes.
You can also speak your thoughts into your phone’s memo feature. You may not know exactly what you want to say until the words start flowing, and that’s OK. What is important is that you let them out.
“Keep in mind that the goal is not a perfect letter,” Brandt said. “The goal is your letter.”
Plan out your letter
Begin with a clear statement of intention, such as, “Hey, I was thinking about you, and I want to say that I miss you,” Brandt said. “It’s like signaling before you enter a lane.”
Then acknowledge whatever is prompting you to write, she said, “whether it’s the distance that’s come between you or the gratitude you’re feeling.”
For instance: “Eddie, I’m sorry. I totally flubbed things up,” she suggested. “I really value our friendship, and I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Your letter can be a few sentences or several pages; it can be handwritten or typed, Brandt added.
If you have time, put it aside and come back to it at the end of the day, she said. Ask yourself, “Does this say everything I wanted to say?”
But when you have finished, don’t allow the letter to sit around so that you talk yourself out of sending it.
Accept the result
It’s possible that the recipient may not respond, but you will most likely have more peace if you send the letter, Brandt said.
“Letter writing is first for the letter writer,” she said, adding, “even the act of sending the letter is a way for you to move forward.”
Brandt told me that when she first started guiding hospice patients to write letters, she thought the process would be sad. “But they were energized by it,” she said. “And they told me, ‘I can’t believe I finally wrote that letter that’s been on my mind.’”
Don’t put it off
Writing a letter is not only an “intimate practice,” but the result is also a tangible keepsake, said David F. Green Jr., associate chair of English at Howard University.
“It’s a way of archiving a moment in time,” said Dr. Green, who added that he saved the letters he had received in “an old-school shoe box.”
Letters can hold lasting power. Brandt said, “I’ve had people tell me, ‘I have a letter from my father, and it’s the most valuable thing I have.’”
“But I’ve heard other people say, ‘I’ve looked everywhere after my mother died, I was sure she would have left me a letter,’” she added.
I wrote the letter to my daughter last night, telling her that I loved her. She may roll her eyes when she reads it, but I’ll bet she saves it, too.
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