I’ve heard many couples claim they “never argue,” but what I assume they mean is they never fight.
Disagreements are a normal part of every relationship. Arguing is the mere act of disagreeing and presenting your perspective/opinion, which is a healthy and normal occurrence in any relatinoship. Fighting, on the other hand, is more of a heated, often hostile exchange.
Arguing vs. Fighting: What’s the Difference?
As stated above, arguing and fighting are two completely different exchanges. While they typically both result from conflict and disagreement, they address these issues in different manners.
“Anxiety is fuel for both arguing and fighting. But, while arguing is about an exchange of ideas, as well as the feelings underneath those ideas, fighting is next-level competitive,” says Karen J. Osterle, MSSA, LICSW, licensed psychotherapist and marriage counselor in Washington, DC. “The first aims to sway, and the second aims to slay, relationally speaking.”
According to Osterle, fighting involves giving in to impulse and cruelty.
“With arguing, the appreciation and respect for the connection matters to both people, and it comes across in the form if reflective listening and paraphrasing, ‘I’ statements, and a pace that allows one or both people to be changed by the process,” she explains. “Fighting is zero-sum in its feel. Someone will lose, because it’s driven by either hurt or fear. And if I’m hurting, you’re going to hurt too, or something along those lines.”
Do You and Your Partner Argue or Fight?
Wondering whether you and your partner argue or fight? Most healthy couples argue from time to time—and some occasionally fight, when an issue is repetitive or emotions are high. However, it’s important to acknowledge your patterns and identify healthier ways to address conflicts and disagreements.
“During an argument, you should still feel comfortable expressing your perspective, even if your partner disagrees,” says Cristy De La Rosa, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist-Associate at Ranch House Recovery. “Pay attention to whether you’re actually listening to each other.”
“During a fight, you might notice that you’re interrupting each other or raising your voice,” she continues. “Another warning sign is when the conversation shifts from the actual problem and becomes about the things that the other person has done wrong, or their flaws.”
If you’ve entered attack mode, you’ve likely veered into “fight” territory.
How to Argue Without It Turning Into a Fight
Many couples falsely believe that arguments are a negative occurrence in relationships. However, in my experience, the more you allow yourself to disagree and argue your perspectives, the less likely you are to escalate conflict into fights.
“Address problems before resentment builds, and focus [on] what happened and how it made you feel,” De La Rosa recommends. “If there’s too much emotion to have a productive conversation, it’s okay to take a break and return to it when you’re both calm.”
Knowing when to step back and cool off can save your relationship from heated fights and aggressive verbal attacks.
“Remember that the goal shouldn’t be to prove who’s right, but to understand each other and figure out how to move forward,” De La Rosa concludes.
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