I thought making a lot of money and working hard would make me happy.
In my early 20s, I got great grades and finished my undergrad in three years. By my mid-20s, I had finished my graduate degree in law while frequently working 70-hour weeks.
I leaned into the idea of being a girlboss, often working weekends or through my lunch, and focusing on making lots of money. It was a habit I saw modeled by my parents. It worked for them, and I thought it would work for me, until it didn’t.
I thought hard work was the point
At 26, I worked long days at my home desk after making “hard worker” and “responsible'”my identity for years. I thought this was what an independent woman was: someone who worked constantly and optimized all of her time.
Sure, I was saving lots of money and networking, but I was often too tired on my day off to do anything. I often chose to work on Saturdays and didn’t even have time to spend my hard-earned money.
Two things made me realize this wasn’t a sustainable lifestyle: I once told a friend I couldn’t take a 15-minute lunch break to call her, and another time I struggled to lift my full duffle bag for an upcoming trip after not working out for months.
Something had to give.
I didn’t want to just recover from burnout
I was clearly burned out. I could have taken some time off to recover and come back, but then the cycle would have continued.
It helped that I spent my early 20s in Cameroon and Costa Rica, two places where work-life balance looks a lot different than it does in the US, and people live with their parents much longer. Looking back on those years when I was truly happy helped me to question what I was focusing on in my life.
I came to a new conclusion. I didn’t want to simply recover after burning out. I wanted to reject the premise that burnout was the price of being an ambitious woman.
I stopped hustling toward anything
In 2022, as the COVID restrictions were lifted more and a relationship I had been in ended, I decided to travel while working a few hours per week. As a then single, childfree woman, no longer heading towards a career, I wondered what I’d replace these traditional markers of success with. The answer turned out to be nothing.
I stopped trying to hustle toward something. No job, boss, passion, or person was going to truly reward me for committing to 70-hour weeks. Nothing was worth putting off a breakfast date with myself or an unplanned walk in the park, or that 15-minute phone call I told my friend I couldn’t take.
I decided to opt out of the competitive nature of the working world and instead focus on optimizing myself.
5 years later, my life looks different
Five years later, I have a life my 26-year-old self would barely recognize. I work substantially less, have built a career around writing and research for companies with values I admire, and have spent the past several years living and traveling in different countries.
I don’t own a car or a home, and I’m not chasing a traditional career ladder. Instead of constantly asking what I should accomplish next, I have far more time for cooking, relationships, travel, and simply being alive.
One thing I did keep from that previous era of my life was my deep conviction that I, and all women, need to be financially independent. I have stopped suggesting that my friends work through their lunch break; instead, we talk about ethical investing and the need to always have one’s own bank account.
Independence turned out to mean something else for me
The surprising part is that opting out didn’t ruin my career, and I didn’t feel the need to replace work with anything else. I don’t think chasing a job title, a salary, or a full calendar would have made me feel secure.
I think I would have constantly felt the need to prove myself, which sounds exhausting to me now. Instead, I have the independence I sought when I was younger. It just took the form of letting go of the idea that I have to constantly prove my worth to myself.
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