To the Editor:
Re “We Don’t Have the Words to Talk About Cornell,” by Christine Emba (Opinion guest essay, Oct. 11):
Ms. Emba’s conclusion that beyond the word “consent” we lack a “moral language” with which to “recognize and critique bad behavior outside of its narrow definition of criminal sex” gives short shrift to the words from the most basic moral tenet of Western civilization: the Golden Rule.
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and unto your sister, daughter, spouse or friend. Most would agree that were they in a drug-induced state of intoxication, they would rather be protected from their own lapses in judgment and vulnerability than exploited for them.
Rather than a new language, I think we need reform or the abolition of fraternities. The 1978 movie “Animal House” came by its name honestly. We have the language; what we may lack is the will to abolish cultural institutions deeply intertwined with the financial fabric of universities.
Susan H. Phillips Brookline, Mass.
To the Editor:
Christine Emba mistakenly presents consent as the only agreed-upon foundation for assessing a sexual relationship. More than 30 years ago, I developed and began teaching a framework for a moral and ethical sexual relationship. Such a relationship is consensual, non-exploitative, honest, mutually pleasurable and protected against disease and pregnancy. Those criteria apply whether the participants are single or married, straight or queer, in colleges or nursing homes.
What is most distressing about the Cornell rape investigation is that in the 50 years that have passed since I was date raped at a prestigious university, so little has changed. And as for the future, little will change until all young people get the comprehensive sexuality education they deserve.
(Rev.) Debra W. Haffner Newton, Mass. The writer is a senior co-minister at the First Unitarian Universalist Society and was the president of the Sex Information and Education Council of the United States from 1988 to 2000.
To the Editor:
I agree with Christine Emba’s point that the definition of consent is something that has been callously used to defend the perpetrators when judging the Cornell case. As high schoolers, we’re taught that consent is a matter of saying yes or no. But dictionary definitions do not consider questions like “Is your partner sober?” or “Is there a power gap — physically, socially, economically?”
This event must be treated not as an independent event but as a wake-up call to the vicious cycle victims endure and that our institutions perpetuates. Language is a powerful tool that can be used for justice and advocacy — but when twisted and weaponized, it undermines our humanity and our morals in irrevocable ways.
Grace Chen New York
To the Editor:
Re “Frats Can’t Be Fixed. Do This Instead,” by Abby Sharkis, Parthav Easwar, Bella Paracca and Olivia O’Connor (Opinion guest essay, nytimes.com, Oct. 10):
As a high school junior researching my college options, I’ve begun to take a closer look at factors like curriculum, career preparation and, inevitably, Greek life on campus. I was shocked to learn not only that fraternity members are three times more likely to commit sexual assault than other male students, but also that sorority members are 74 percent more likely to be victims of sexual assault than other college women.
This article forced me to more thoughtfully consider whether I, a female student, would feel safe on a campus where Greek life is dominant. I admire the writers’ bravery to openly campaign for the abolition of Greek life at American University despite pushback from both the student body and the administration.
Learning that donations from Greek-affiliated alumni are enough of a financial incentive to the university to offset the authors’ concern for female safety was scary to me as a potential applicant. I toured A.U. this month, and hearing that an institution so committed to public service was unwilling to address an issue being raised by its own students was deeply concerning. How can I trust that my own safety will be a priority?
Rowan Bastien Philadelphia
To the Editor:
As an alumnus of a fraternity (Zeta Psi, Syracuse University), I had mixed feelings about this article and the author’s point of view.
When I attended college, I didn’t really feel a sense of belonging until I joined Zeta Psi. My grades had suffered beforehand, and once I pledged and was accepted, my grades increased by nearly a full point and stayed that way.
The men in this fraternity saw more in me than I saw in myself, and I wanted to live up to their expectations. We also threw out a pledge — not yet a full brother — who tried to sexually assault a young woman at a party. We simply didn’t tolerate accept that kind of heinous behavior.
I understand where the authors are coming from. There are plenty of incidents of abuse and assault at fraternities throughout the country, but not all of them are the same. There are many made up of young men who are upstanding citizens and who do their best to learn and maintain good character, and who treat everyone — women and men — with respect.
Please don’t paint all of us with the same brush.
Randy Schein New York
After a Suicide
To the Editor:
Re “My Partner Died by Suicide. What Should I Tell People?,” by Lori Gottlieb (Ask the Therapist column, nytimes.com, Sept. 24):
Ms. Gottlieb’s answers were right on target. As someone who has had five suicides in the family, I found that talking about what really happened had many benefits.
First and foremost, it allowed me to express my feelings (sorrow, anger, despair) openly, rather than bury them in my body’s painful reaction.
Second, talking about suicide openly diminishes the idea that it is shameful — a sad remnant of both religious and societal ideas about mental illness.
Third, it can help others be aware of the many forms of emotional problems that might affect their loved ones — not to pursue them doggedly, but to be open to the possibility that those problems are what is affecting their lives, not a random anger or disappointment. A spouse or other kind of connection can help when awareness is present.
But it’s also important to know that no one should ever take the blame on himself or herself (or on psychiatrists or other practitioners) or family members. Suicide is a mysterious artifact of human existence, and we may never be able to see it coming or prevent it from happening.
Christopher Lukas Orangeburg, N.Y. The writer is an author of “Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide” and the author of “Shrink Rap: A Guide to Psychotherapy From a Frequent Flier.”
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources.
Music in School: A Sad Melody
To the Editor:
Re “Music in Schools at Risk as Instrument Costs Soar” (front page, Oct. 7):
It was disappointing to read that many schools are under such pressure to fund their music programs and purchase instruments.
Young people learning to play an instrument and perform stand to elevate their self-esteem. And in an era when the focus is on technology in schools and at home, learning to play a musical instrument is fulfilling and grounding, and it fosters creativity.
I would hope that governments can somehow prioritize their values and spending to support this worthwhile, artistic and healthy endeavor for the benefits to the youth of today and tomorrow.
Mark Aaron New York
The post Cornell and the Meaning of Consent appeared first on New York Times.
