My 9-year-old granddaughter feels bullied at her elementary school because a group of boys there won’t let her join their pickup soccer game on the playground after school. Her father wants to complain to the principal because he believes that any child enrolled in the school has a right to join in games that are played on its grounds. I support inclusion, but I was raised not to force my participation where it was not wanted. Thoughts?
GRANDMOTHER
This question is about so much more than soccer! Years ago, when I was a new lawyer, I went to work at a firm and found a superb mentor. But there was a hitch: Before I started working with his clients, he would sit me down in his office, call them — in front of me — and ask if it was OK to assign a gay lawyer to their team. It was humiliating! And I got the message: I was welcome for only as long as people tolerated me.
I never want your granddaughter to feel that way! She’s 9. She should be able to play on any elementary school team or in any regular pickup game that she wants to play in. Now, I assume she’s being excluded because of her sex, which is ridiculous. But even if the boys claim that their teams are full or that she’s not good enough, they should still find a way to include her. I doubt we’re talking about a posse of 9-year-old Lamine Yamals here.
Her father should speak to someone at school — maybe the principal or the school counselor — about how to include your granddaughter without making her feel any less welcome than she already does. I respect your concern about being pushy, but in my experience, if girls and members of other disempowered groups had to wait for invitations to join the party, we would be waiting forever! Your granddaughter needs to learn how to advocate on her own behalf, and for now that’s probably best done by watching her parents model that behavior for her.
His Dumpster, at Your Disposal?
I was recently berated by a neighbor for tossing a bag of dog poop into his large construction dumpster. He told me it was nasty and rude, and he actually made me retrieve it. I’ve always assumed that if a large dumpster is intended for construction trash, tossing in a securely tied bag of dog poop was fair game. But now I’m questioning my understanding of dumpster etiquette. Thoughts?
NEIGHBOR
Happy to be of service! Your neighbor is renting a construction dumpster for the length of his building project. It’s placed on private property, and he pays a fee to the dumpster company every time it is emptied. None of this is cheap: When I last rented a dumpster, it cost about $2,000.
Perhaps this is news to you. Otherwise, I am perplexed by your feeling of entitlement to toss excrement into a privately owned dumpster on private property. I wish your neighbor hadn’t berated you, of course, but I don’t disagree with him. That poop could be moldering for weeks before the dumpster is next emptied. Dispose of it in a public receptacle or carry it home with you.
With Great Power of Attorney …
Some time ago, I asked a friend to be my power of attorney in case I became sick or incapacitated. He accepted. This year, I was hospitalized for an extended period. My friend was supposed to pay my rent and other bills, but he didn’t. Accounts became seriously overdue, and I am still getting caught up. Friends have suggested that I confront him and ask to be reimbursed for late charges and penalties. We’ve been friends for 30 years, and I thought I could trust him. Advice?
MANHATTANITE
I’m sorry you’ve been sick! I don’t mean to be a stickler, but power of attorney is not a person; it is a legal agreement that is signed by two people to give one trusted party the authority to act on behalf of the other. In New York, a document must be signed in front of a notary and two witnesses. Did you make a written agreement like that, or did your friend merely agree in theory to become your agent-in-fact?
If a valid power of attorney was created, he became your fiduciary, responsible for looking out for your best interests, and you can seek damages for gross negligence on his part (assuming that he was aware of your incapacity). But for me, the bigger issue here may be that a longtime friend let you down. I would want to understand why. Talk to him.
The Smoking Section
My companion and I were dining at a restaurant. The couple next to us reeked of cannabis, and the smell permeated the area. We could have asked to be moved to another table, but we didn’t want to insult the couple. What should we have done?
DINER
Here’s my approach: If a problem is easily remedied — spinach in your companion’s teeth or kids at the next table watching iPads without headphones — speak up. The fixes are quick and simple! But what could these strangers do about the smell of cannabis on their clothes and hair? Still, there’s no need to prioritize them above yourself. I would have asked for another table in a hot second.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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