The spouse who “suddenly” wants a divorce has probably been thinking about it for months, sometimes years. Meanwhile, the other person is still making vacation plans and assuming everything’s fine. Sadly, you’ve been having two completely different experiences in the same marriage.
Marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis has written that people sometimes spend years preparing to leave a marriage. Looking back, there might have been signs. Unfortunately, those signs are harder to recognize when you think everything is fine.
1. They’re Making Plans Without You
A separate savings account or major financial decisions made without your input could warrant a conversation. A recent Psychology Today article identifies growing independence as a possible sign that a spouse is preparing to leave.
Your partner can have their own goals. But discovering they’ve been making major life decisions without telling you is an uncomfortable way to realize you’re no longer included in their plans.
2. They Stop Doing the Little Things
Remember when your partner used to bring you coffee or make sure you had dinner if you had to work late? Those gestures can become so routine that you hardly notice them. Until they disappear.
The Gottman Institute found that couples still married six years after their wedding responded to each other’s attempts at connection 86% of the time, compared with 33% among couples who divorced. The coffee seems insignificant, but the attention behind it matters a lot.
3. They Don’t Seem Interested in Touching You
Any marriage can go through dry spells without anybody considering divorce. But when an affectionate partner starts avoiding physical contact altogether, it’s not insane to wonder what’s happening.
Marriage and family therapist Laura Heck told HuffPost that a withdrawing partner’s “body language may be closed off and they may offer zero verbal feedback in conversation.” If there are too many unanswered attempts at affection, you might stop trying, too.
4. You Don’t Even Fight Anymore
After years of arguing about the same things, your partner has stopped putting up much of a fight. You might even feel relieved that you’re finally getting along. But really, they’ve grown so tired of asking for things to change that they’ve given up trying to convince you.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Sharon Yu told Scary Mommy that an unhappy spouse might initially raise concerns gently, then become more direct, and eventually stop bringing them up altogether. If your partner has spent years asking for changes and now seems indifferent, it’s probably time to ask why.
5. They Start Asking if You’re Happy
Sometimes your spouse practically hands you an opportunity to talk about your marriage, and you miss it.
A question like “Are you happy with us?” might catch you off guard if you thought things were going well. But there’s a reason they’re asking. A casual “Yeah, we’re good” could be discouraging if they’ve spent weeks working up the nerve to say something.
Work stress or exhaustion can also affect how affectionate and communicative people are. But several changes happening together could be a big warning sign. As licensed marriage and family therapist Lisa Brookes Kift told Fox News Digital, “If one has fully checked out, they will not be open to repair.”
It’s hard to work on a marriage when you have no idea the other person has been unhappy for years. By the time you find out, they might have little interest in trying again.
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