First dates are still pretty much the same awkward round of questions they’ve always been. Where’d you grow up? What do you do for work? Have you watched anything good lately? Two drinks in, you know he works in finance and loves The Sopranos, but you have no idea whether he handles conflict like an adult or disappears for three days when he gets upset.
Dating coach and TikTok creator Sabrina Zohar thinks people should get a little nosier. In a video with over 534,000 views, she shared three questions she thinks everyone should ask on a first date. And if the thought of asking them makes you want to crawl under the table, she thinks you might have some emotional availability issues of your own.
1. “Who is the first person that you call when everything is either going right or going wrong?”
Zohar says someone who can’t name a person, or insists on handling everything themselves, may struggle to open up emotionally. Some people are perfectly comfortable handling things on their own. Others would rather jump off a cliff than admit they need emotional support. What you’re really listening for is how someone talks about the people they trust, if any.
2. “What is a belief that you’ve outgrown in the last few years?”
She’s looking for what she calls “self-reflection and ego flexibility.” In other words, can this person admit they’ve changed their mind? Can they recognize that their 25-year-old self was occasionally an idiot? You’d hope so. A guy who still thinks every opinion he’s ever had was correct is exhausting…and a big red flag.
3. “What is something that you’re working on within yourself right now that you’re proud of?”
And Zohar has little patience for generic self-improvement speeches. “I don’t want them to say, Oh, I’m just working on becoming a better person. Too f****** vague,” she said. She wants an actual example, like someone recognizing they used to shut down during arguments and are trying to handle difficult conversations without leaving the room.
The comments were split, with some people wondering who the hell wants to get into all of this with someone they met 20 minutes ago.
“Great questions. But too heavy for a first date,” one commenter wrote. Another commenter suggested asking, “Approximately how old is the Earth and what shape is it?” She’s joking, but that would honestly give you a solid idea if you’re on the same page about beliefs and life, in general.
People might be giving first-date strangers too little credit, though. In one study, researchers had strangers discuss personal topics and found that participants expected those conversations to be much more awkward than they turned out to be. They also underestimated how interested the other person would be in hearing their answers.
You probably don’t need to ask about childhood trauma before you’ve even ordered food. But tossing one of these questions into the usual work-and-how-much-you-hate-dating-apps conversation could make the evening way more productive—for both of you.
Besides, you’ve probably sat through enough first dates listening to a man explain his job in excruciating detail. You might as well find out if he can actually feel anything.
The post 3 Questions That Could Tell You If Your Date Is Ready for an Adult Relationship appeared first on VICE.
