No romantic relationship is perfect. At some point, you will hurt your partner—and vice versa. What matters most is how well you repair after arguments or conflict. But one of the most important, and often overlooked, aspects of repair is validation.
When you acknowledge your partner’s experience, even if it differs from your own, you help them feel seen, heard, and supported in their pain. However, many people—often without realizing it—invalidate their partner’s emotions and perspective, creating a disorienting disconnect.
If you fear you do this to your partner, or are wondering whether they do it to you, you’re in the right place. Here are five signs you might be accidentally invalidating your partner, according to a therapist.
1. You Confuse Being Right With Being Heard
Look, I get it: We all want to be right—and acknowledged as so—in an argument. But being right doesn’t mean your partner’s experience or perspective is invalid.
“When the goal of a disagreement becomes proving your side is correct, it can unintentionally dismiss your partner’s feelings and experience,” says Andrea Wiggs, LPC, therapist at Serenium Therapy and Wellness. “This can trigger your partner into a defensive or self-protective state that halts open communication and prevents reaching a resolution.”
For example, you may have said something that hurt your partner’s feelings. Even though you know in your heart of hearts you didn’t mean to be mean or attack them, they might still feel that way. Rather than telling them they’re wrong and blaming their emotions on projection, try to understand and validate their feelings.
“Couples can shift the goal from determining who is ‘right’ to making sure both people feel heard and supported,” says Wiggs. “Your partner’s feelings are valid even when their perspective differs from your own. Taking the time to consider both perspectives can allow couples to create a deeper connection and foster trust, security, and healthy interdependence.”
2. You Think ‘I’m Sorry’ Is Enough
We all know someone who spews rude comments and acts shady, only to follow it up with a simple “I’m sorry.” You know what they say: “An apology without changed behavior is manipulation.”
“If your partner says they feel dismissed when you respond with, ‘Yeah, yeah, you told me that last week,’ simply apologizing may not resolve the underlying issue,” says Wiggs. “If you apologize yet continue to repeat the same behavior, you will end up causing your partner and your relationship additional harm.”
Instead of just apologizing, listen to your partner’s feelings, validate their experience, and then change your approach as you see fit.
“Couples should go beyond the apology and address the root of the issue by sharing what they will do differently moving forward,” says Wiggs. “Changing harmful behaviors will provide you and your partner the chance to be accountable for your actions and their impact. Taking full accountability will allow you and your partner to repair the damage that has been caused by creating tangible change through intentionality and consistency.”
3. You Trying to Fix the Problem Instead of Listening
One of the more well-intentioned forms of invalidation is trying to solve a problem instead of validating your partner’s feelings about it.
“I see this problem come up quite often with couples. One partner brings up a situation that has been troubling them, and the other responds immediately with solutions,” says Wiggs. “The partner [who] offers the solutions is often confused when their partner is upset by their response. What they do not realize is that their partner was reaching out to them for emotional support, and their response may have caused them to feel rushed to turn off their painful emotions.”
For example, maybe your significant other is venting to you about their chronic illness and the distressing symptoms it’s causing them, yet they’ve been to countless doctors and are not responding well to treatment. Instead of encouraging them to try a new fad diet or meditate every day, let them release their frustrations without adding more stress. Odds are, they’ve already considered every potential solution you’re throwing at them.
“Couples should take time to listen attentively and offer validation,” Wiggs says. “Serving as a sounding board for your partner will help them to feel understood and help to give them the creative energy they need to develop their own solutions.”
4. You Compare Their Pain to Your Own
Everyone experiences trauma and hardship differently. Don’t compare your experience to your partner’s to dismiss their pain.
“When your partner’s attempts to be vulnerable are met with comparison, it can turn emotional support into a competition instead of a safe space to share,” says Wiggs. “I find this dynamic can be very destructive, as one partner is left feeling like their emotions are of lesser importance or like they do not have the right to experience them.”
“Having their pain minimized in this way can deter them from reaching out altogether,” Wiggs adds. “Hearing your partner’s pain is an opportunity to be curious and attempt to gain a better understanding of their emotional tolerance and how it has been shaped by their own biology, background, and beliefs. This helps to create space for both partners’ emotions instead of one partner’s feelings overshadowing another’s.”
5. You Focus on the Details Without Acknowledging Their Experience
When you argue with your partner, do you get caught up in the minor details of the situation while ignoring their overall feelings and experience?
“Couples can often be so focused on agreeing on the details of a situation that they lose sight of reaching an understanding,” says Wiggs. “They become less emotionally present with one another, and their rhetoric can become harsh and critical and create an emotional disconnect.”
Rather than harping on the details, zoom out and get curious about your partner’s experience.
“The reality is two individuals cannot experience the same event in the exact same way,” Wiggs says. “We all have different past experiences, emotions, attention, and circumstances that help to shape our perception. Instead, couples can strive to look for deeper meaning. Each partner can shift the conversation by inquiring about what the situation means to the other.”
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