On a recent Tuesday, I received three text messages in a row: two from my daughter and one from my dad. For many of us, this is our everyday — sandwiched between our parents and our kids, and suddenly balancing both.
Our parents are navigating big life transitions. So are our kids. In this sandwich generation, with little time and a lot on our plates, here are a few things our parents have done that have really helped our family navigate this tricky time of life.
We’re clear on our parents’ wishes
It goes without saying: this is new territory for everyone. Safety, stability, and continuous modifications have been themes my husband and I have prioritized as our parents enter this next chapter.
Both sets of our parents have set up and periodically update wills and trusts; they have their important documents in order. Having lawyer contacts and power of attorney has helped my husband and me, and our siblings know whom to contact in an emergency and which specific procedures to follow. While we can’t predict the future or prevent emergencies, we can plan and prepare, so we’re not operating in crisis mode — even if it is one.
Carving out time to talk in advance helps everyone. It helps adult kids when parents’ personal planning — for living arrangements or housing, care, and end-of-life wishes — can serve as a handy road map to follow, even if it’s incomplete.
As the oldest child, my 80-year-old dad made me the executor of his will about 10 years ago. We went to the bank, signed the papers, and then went to lunch. While it was weirdly emotional, I’m glad it’s taken care of. In a way, it felt like he was still taking care of us, so that we can take good care of him.
Knowing family medical history has been helpful
Knowing ahead of time, especially as we adult children enter into our 40s and later, what medical conditions or health predispositions run in the family has also been helpful. Having a list of family members, too, who have struggled with or died from certain illnesses, chronic conditions, and other medical challenges has allowed us to keep up our own care, as we care for our own children. For example, I’ve been getting regular mammograms at an early age since breast cancer runs in our family, which gives me peace of mind.
We have all their important accounts and information
Our parents have given us all their personal information, knowing we won’t look at it unless necessary. Having a list of important accounts and passwords ahead of time means we don’t have to scramble mid-crisis. Nobody wants a scavenger hunt in an emergency. A password manager has really helped us with this. Our parents have their own accounts set up in a certain way. Taking time to talk through their systems is a technical and emotionally heavy lift, but it can benefit everyone in the long run.
Our parents have told us what to do with special items
Our families have many important historical items and artifacts, and we’ve learned which should be placed with a historical society. My in-laws created a detailed list, complete with pictures, dates, and the family significance of each item. This will come in handy — it’s great to know where special pieces of furniture and family heirlooms need to be placed, and it’s also helpful for our own kids, as a way to feel connected to generations of their family.
Prioritizing honesty has been key
While all these preparations have given us peace of mind, their honesty has been the most helpful thing of all. This might not work in all family situations, but having honest conversations about next steps has been crucial for us. Being kept in the loop, with our parents clearly articulating their needs, wants, and desires, has been such a gift. With our parents in their 80s, now is the time for clear and open communication.
Carving out time to talk in advance, while difficult, has helped us to ease us all through this tender time. Whether it’s in person, by phone, or via FaceTime, we have made a concerted effort to set aside time to process vulnerable topics together.
We’ve also made time to have frank discussions with our teen and tween kids about their grandparents and this time of life. We’ve shared openly about how we’ve planned for them and their future.
We might feel squeezed in this sandwich, as it’s new territory for everyone. Our aging parents are shifting their mindset from being providers to receiving help, and we are helping to support them, while also managing our kids. It’s delicate for all involved, but having time to talk about the hard things and share special memories can help everyone.
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