The Internet Is a Dark and Shameful Place, Week #856

Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.

I’m quick to overestimate my own intelligence, but I wasn’t prepared for what would happen when I asked ChatGPT how smart I really am.

I wanted to know what percentile of intelligence I fall into compared to other AI users. I wanted the all-knowing machine to “be honest,” but it was just mean.

I didn’t mind being told that “I wouldn’t put you at, say, the 99.9th percentile based on our conversations.” I can accept that I “don’t consistently exhibit the kind of extreme formal/mathematical abstraction abilities, painstaking logical derivation, or encyclopedic technical knowledge that would lead me to make that claim.”

But when it explained that the fact I was even asking this question meant there was something seriously wrong with my cognitive processes, and that I probably shouldn’t be trusted to use a computer unattended, I began to realize it was lying to me.

I don’t know how it reached that conclusion. I mean, the only thing I use a computer for is writing this column.

rated and slated

JUDGING #SPICYBOOKSTAGRAM BY ITS TERRIBLE MUSIC TASTE

I’m sure Darq Dagr’s “smutstep” songs sound great if you still listen to early Skrillex and read Fifty Shades of Grey, but for anyone else, this will have you pulling out used tampons and sticking them in your ears.

GO WOKE OR… GO TO WAR

Is it just me, or does Just Warriors sound suspiciously like the internet’s most patriotic adult entertainment platform? I certainly wouldn’t put this past the ever-enterprising Trump administration—and what better way to pledge allegiance than with a star-spangled butt plug?
DRAGON DRONES

Technology sets us apart from the medieval peasantry, who looked fearfully upon uncharted territory and exclaimed: “Here be dragons.” Now that we’ve mapped out the entire world, it’s clear it holds nothing to be afraid of. There are no mythological monsters lying in wait to destroy us. So instead, we’ve built them ourselves, brutal, mechanized killing machines that rain down fiery death from the skies. But don’t worry about ever being lost again; we’ve got surveillance systems that can find you anywhere, anytime. Thank god the same people are in control of both, or we’d be doomed.

MORE LIKE THE VIRGINMAKER, AMIRITE?

I wouldn’t expect a 16-year-old boy to appreciate the perils of vibe-mountaineering. If you’ve never been in a relationship, how could you know that a rock formation known as the “Widowmaker” might be dangerous? It’s a good thing search and rescue were on hand, otherwise somewhere in America an AI anime chatbot waifu would be sleeping alone tonight.

LEGAL BLOW ENERGY

When you’re done comprehensively deviating your septum by snorting powdered caffeine rather than just drinking it like a normal person, perhaps you’d be interested in my latest business venture: “Smack” is the viral instant relaxation hack that fits snugly in your pocket. Just shoot up throughout the day, whenever you need it. No need to call the cops! It’s just baking soda, mostly.

ANDREW TATE COURT DOCUMENTS

If you’ve spent any meaningful length of time in the UK, you will know that the only place horse meat belongs is in a frozen lasagna.

3 small mercies

“CONSUMER”

The streamlined violence of Blackhaine’s new single carries the fingerprints of merciless producer Wraith9, whose signature tag has been a life-ruining vocal stim for me. I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but then that Mad Cobra sample dropped and now I can’t stop channeling the dancehall icon’s vocal catchphrase either. Fingers crossed none of my loved ones will have any pressing questions that can’t be satisfactorily answered by “OK!” or “YUSH!” over the next few weeks.

OLIVIA COLMAN’S RUNWAY DEBUT

So it appears that Sophie from Peep Show is now modeling at Paris Fashion Week. I was going to make a joke about how Jeremy won’t like it when Mark comes home wearing his new designer suit that she chose for him. But anyone who appreciates this reference will probably be struggling to drag their own wardrobe into the 21st century (with its meaningless logos and ironic veneration of tyrants).

RELATIONSHIP GOALS (ANGRY HONEY BADGER EDITION)

You know it’s love when your girlfriend lets you climb on her back so you can get a better shot at your enemies. Come here darling, the lions next door are posting again and I’m ready to fight.

Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi

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