My younger sister celebrated her 70th birthday with a brunch party that was attended by her two daughters, her two brothers (including me), our wives and a handful of close friends. While we were discussing seating, my sister’s younger daughter told me to sit down “now.” I was talking to an old friend and not ready to be seated. I also found her statement rude and told her as much. Things escalated, and my niece and I were soon shouting at each other. “Don’t be so rude!” I yelled. “Shut up!” she responded. She moved seats to avoid sitting next to me. I found her behavior unacceptable, and I’ve decided not to speak to her again until she apologizes. I have also decided to remove her from my will. My brother thinks these decisions are extreme. Thoughts?
UNCLE
Let’s acknowledge that becoming aggravated or losing our temper is not uncommon human behavior. Still, I’m sorry that neither you nor your niece had enough self-restraint to stop yourself from making a scene at your sister’s party. You don’t even mention the distress you almost certainly caused her! And now you propose disinheriting your niece over this one episode. I suggest a remedial course in impulse control for both of you instead.
When I host, herding guests from one place to another — out of the kitchen while I’m cooking, for instance, or into seats at the dining table — can be challenging. I suspect your niece was trying to help her mother by asking you to sit down. I don’t doubt that her request sounded brusque to you. But it was not the time to police her tone by shouting at her, either. Can we agree that you both acted imperfectly here?
As for your will, your money is yours, and you may leave it to whomever you like. But does this single episode really outweigh your long relationship with your niece? I would contact her instead: Apologize for your part in the brunch fiasco and ask if she has any thoughts about it. That would be the easiest way to restore equilibrium here.
It’s Never Too Soon for This Lesson
I am a woman in my late 30s, and I have struggled to make friends since moving to a new city a few years ago. Recently, I became friendly with a woman who is in a music group with me. I enjoy spending time with her, and I thought I might be making a good friend. But there’s a deal breaker: She uses the word “retarded” to describe things that are stupid. Where I come from, no one would do that, and to me, it’s common sense that using the word this way is offensive. I don’t know how to handle it. Advice?
NEW IN TOWN
There’s no question that your friend’s use of the word “retarded” is offensive: It’s a slur that characterizes certain people as less than others. Still, administering purity tests to new friends is not productive.
This woman’s life experience may not have taught her something that yours has. That’s not a fatal flaw! It’s a subject for conversation: “You probably don’t mean it, but your use of the word ‘retarded’ puts down people with intellectual disabilities. Can you avoid using it, please?” There’s a problem only if she objects.
Catch You Later? Yes, Chef.
My husband and I own two small restaurants. We both work long hours, and we’re fortunate to have family and friends who support our businesses. But I get frustrated when friends come into the restaurant during busy times and want our attention. One friend walked into the kitchen on the opening day of our second restaurant to tell us about her vacation. I was flabbergasted! I would never turn up at a friend’s workplace and expect attention. Advice?
BUSINESS OWNER
I don’t know anyone with an infallible sense of the lives of others. So, help your friends with a simple prompt: “Thanks so much for coming in! I’m swamped right now. Can we catch up later?” With luck, being generous to your friends when they misjudge will increase the likelihood of their returning the favor when you inevitably err.
They Sent Regrets. Did Their Gift?
My brother-in-law and his family were unable to attend our son’s wedding. They had a previous commitment. (My sister-in-law and her daughters had previously flown in from out of state for the bridal shower.) Should my son and his wife have expected a gift from his uncle even though he couldn’t attend the wedding? They were hurt that they received no acknowledgment.
FATHER OF THE GROOM
Gifts are always voluntary, so expecting one, as you put it, is a losing proposition. And you can hardly to accuse your in-laws of having ignored the wedding when at least three members of the family boarded a plane — probably at considerable expense — to attend a bridal shower.
Still, among close friends and relatives, an invitation usually calls for a card or gift, regardless of attendance. A gift may yet be on its way, or your brother- and sister-in-law may have forgotten. They do live at a distance, after all. It may be a big ask, but I would try to avoid score-keeping here.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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