I was born and raised in Mexico, but I spent most of my financially independent adult life in New York and London.
Living abroad made me second-guess a lot of the norms related to money and dating that I’d long internalized — for instance, the expectation that in a heterosexual relationship, men should just pay for everything.
For years, though, I was single, so I never had to decide how I’d actually split finances with another person.
Things changed when I entered a serious relationship. Funny enough, my partner’s background is remarkably similar to mine: She is also Mexican and has built much of her adult life abroad.
Given our similarities, I was curious to see how we’d approach money as a couple.
We seemed pretty in sync until we decided to move in together
At first, we set an expectation that we’d go 50/50 on things like date nights and groceries.
We had similar salaries, neither of us expected the other to fund our lifestyle, and dividing shared expenses down the middle felt like the simplest solution. This system felt like a breath of fresh air after growing up with the idea that men should always pay for everything.
Then, several months into our relationship, we decided to move in together.
Suddenly, we had to agree on how much of our monthly income we were comfortable putting toward rent. She wanted to find a slightly more expensive place in a better location, with more space — a home we genuinely loved.
I, on the other hand, felt like we could find a more affordable spot and save money for things like flights and nice dinners.
The conversation made me realize: Our main difference isn’t how much we earn, or even how much we spend, but what we want our money to do for us. Once we found a place and moved in together, the same tension started appearing everywhere.
What feels worthwhile to me can feel unnecessary to her, and vice versa
I am much quicker to spend on travel and experiences. Paying for a flight somewhere new, a weekend away, video games, or even Pokémon cards can make perfect sense to me. I tend to judge a purchase by the enjoyment or experience I expect to get from it.
My partner is more willing to spend on her well-being: our home, clothes, cleaning, and things that make everyday life nicer. For her, anything that would improve our apartment is obviously something worth buying.
I can look at the same thing and wonder whether we need it at all. I am sure she has had exactly the same reaction to some of my purchases.
This has caused friction, because our equal-split system started to feel unfair when one of us had to pay for something we didn’t want. Even when it came to things we both enjoy, such as eating dinner together, she would rather buy ingredients to cook our meal at home, whereas I’d rather splurge on going to an upscale Italian restaurant.
We are not a classic saver-and-spender couple. We are both willing to spend. We just have different ideas about what deserves our money.
With time, we stopped trying to make every expense perfectly equal
Eventually, we began thinking about our finances in categories. There are things we need, things I care about, things she cares about, and things we genuinely enjoy together. Seeing our spending this way made it easier to separate shared decisions from personal preferences.
We created a joint savings account, which gives us a place to put money toward some goals that belong to both of us — like theater tickets or a new TV — as well as expenses like rent. With our separate accounts, we each pay for our own priorities, like plane tickets for me and house plants for her.
As our circumstances evolved, we also moved beyond a rigid 50/50 split and began dividing shared costs proportionally according to income.
However, we try to still be flexible and not keep score. For example, I don’t drink. If we order wine at dinner, I could insist that we exclude it from my half of the bill, since technically, that might be more precise.
I do not think a relationship works if every amount has to be allocated perfectly, though. Sometimes I contribute toward something she enjoys, and she does the same for me. Compromise is part of the point, and love is the center of everything.
We still don’t agree on every purchase, and I don’t think we need to. What matters is knowing what belongs to me, what belongs to her, and what we want badly enough to build together.
Our next shared project is already waiting: a dog.
Read the original article on Business Insider
The post My partner and I always thought we agreed on money. Then, we moved in together. appeared first on Business Insider.
