Vanessa Bohns once applied for a job that required her to give a talk. The presentation went reasonably well — or so she thought — but she didn’t get the job. Then a man who had heard her speak asked whether she was open to some feedback that might be useful.
The critique was rough, recalled Dr. Bohns, a professor of organizational behavior and social psychology at Cornell University. Her stomach dropped “as he told me all the ways that my talk was underwhelming,” she said. “But he clearly thought I could do better.”
His advice helped her down the road. She “completely reworked” her speech before she applied to similar jobs, and wound up getting multiple offers.
“To this day, I’m so grateful he took the time and effort to be honest with me,” said Dr. Bohns, author of the upcoming book “Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share — and What to Keep to Yourself.”
All too often, people don’t want to relay a difficult but necessary truth. Research backs this up. A 2022 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology tested whether people would speak up if they saw something amiss. In the study, research assistants asked people to fill out a survey while the assistants had a blob of lipstick or food on their faces. Less than 3 percent of those surveyed pointed it out.
Being honest is hard for many of us, Dr. Bohns said, “because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.” In her book, she has developed four questions to help us figure out when to say something — and when to zip it.
Is my advice or feedback beneficial?
If your candid words will really help a person, whether in the moment or later on, it’s often worth enduring the discomfort of sharing, Dr. Bohns said.
“You can ask yourself, ‘If the situation was reversed, would I want someone to tell me?’” she said. “If we’re doing something wrong or something that’s annoying to other people, we overwhelmingly want to know.”
Another thing to consider: Will withholding the truth have consequences?
Emma Levine is a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business who studies honest communication. Dr. Levine’s research has suggested that people appreciate hearing the truth when it could lead to growth, change and greater understanding. “Listeners typically want to hear it, even if it hurts,” she said.
What if I weren’t the messenger?
Here’s a quick method to determine whether you should be honest: Imagine that another person will give the feedback instead of you — “someone who is really good at it, so now you can avoid all the discomfort,” Dr. Bohns said.
Now that you’ve removed yourself from the situation, do you still feel that the person should receive the feedback?
If so, “that’s an indicator that something should really be said,” Dr. Bohns said. “And maybe you’re the person to say it.”
Is now the right time to share?
Part of the art of disclosing negative information is not whether to share it, but when to share it, Dr. Levine said.
If someone asks directly for feedback and puts you on the spot, Dr. Bohns added, you can always buy some time and say, ‘Let me reflect on that and get back to you,’” she said.
Then you can have the conversation after you’ve had time to gather your thoughts.
If you’re the one providing a critique, first ask people whether they want your advice. If they say no, that suggests they aren’t ready to really hear it and use it, Dr. Levine said.
Is the advice actionable?
Don’t give feedback if there’s nothing the person can do with it, both experts said. Instead, be as specific as possible, and “offer someone a plan or a path forward,” Dr. Bohns advised.
And it’s OK to hold back when honesty “will lead to emotional harm without instrumental value,” Dr. Bohns said.
Let’s say you have a friend who asks you to rate his singing and he’s seeking a job as a singer — you should probably give constructive feedback, Dr. Bohns said. “But if he sings just for fun, no matter how bad it is, you don’t have to tell him that his singing is bad.”
The older I get, the more I appreciate when people are candid. If you ever tell me I have food on my face, I’ll thank you profusely.
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