My husband’s 80-year-old parents and unmarried sister live together an hour and a half away from us. The relationship is tense: They are boundary-stomping and provocative. They brought a birthday cake to our son’s second birthday party without telling me and laughed when they set it on the table. My sister-in-law schedules events without running dates by us first — choosing inconvenient locations and inviting others before she tells us, so that plans can’t be changed. It’s a power move! Recently, she scheduled her father’s birthday party for the weekend after his birthday, which happens to be my husband’s birthday weekend. We had already made plans with friends and hired a babysitter, but we canceled them to go to my father-in-law’s party. If we complain, my sister-in-law flips it on us and argues that we should have reached out to her earlier to coordinate plans. How can we stop her manipulation?
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
You seem convinced that you are absolutely right and that your in-laws are all wrong here. Let me share my take (which I hope may help you): Your current posture virtually guarantees no improvement in these relationships. There are no villains here! Bringing a cake to a toddler’s birthday party is not a crime — especially if your in-laws respect your request not to do it again. As for your father-in-law’s birthday party, you and your husband took no initiative, then resented his sister for making plans. Was the occasion supposed to be ignored, in your view?
I have no doubt that these are challenging relationships, but from 10,000 feet, I see a woman who is taking care of two older parents by herself as well as planning all family celebrations without any help from you or your husband. Then you ascribe terrible motives to her. That’s not fair — even if she is an abject pain in the neck!
A more productive approach would be for you or your husband to call your sister-in-law a month before special occasions that you plan to celebrate together. Try to work out mutually agreeable arrangements in advance. It’s the least you can do. And if your sister-in-law won’t cooperate, don’t go.
A Matter of Perspective
My next-door neighbor put up a yard sign endorsing a candidate for governor. I don’t support him. But my neighbor has placed the sign at the edge of her property so that when you drive around the corner, it’s my house you see behind the sign. Is it OK for me to ask her to move it so that it’s obvious that she is the one who supports the candidate?
NEIGHBOR
You can ask anyone for anything! Just be prepared for your neighbor to say no. I follow your point about driving perspective, but your neighbor can put the sign anywhere she likes on her property. So, be extra pleasant when you speak to her: “Would you consider moving the sign so it’s clearer that the candidate is your choice, not mine?”
Looking for More Than Proof of Life
I was delighted to receive an email from my 19-year-old great-nephew asking if he could visit me with his girlfriend. I bought them plane tickets and treated them to several events and nice dinners over a long weekend. Altogether, I spent over $2,000. I asked him to let me know when they got home safely, and I received a one-line email: “We’re home now. Thanks for everything.” It’s been five weeks, and I’ve heard nothing further from him. Should I say something about the lack of a proper thank-you note when I see him?
GREAT-UNCLE
You are in a wonderful position to share a valuable life lesson with your young relative. Unlike many letter writers — who send gifts to younger relatives with whom they have no meaningful relationship and from whom they receive no acknowledgment — your great-nephew sought you out. And it sounds as if you had a lovely weekend.
When you next see him, take him aside and tell him, without a trace of scolding, that as he begins to make his way in the world, it’s important to acknowledge people’s generosity to him, whether for a weekend trip or a job interview. (It makes others feel good!) I respect your view that cards and stamps are required, but gratitude is the essential component here. For me, a separate email thanking you and noting events that he and his girlfriend particularly enjoyed would also do the trick.
The Sharp Sting of a Deadbolt
My neighbors are constantly — and loudly — locking and unlocking the three locks on their apartment door. It feels rude to me. They do this when I’m standing in the hallway, having conversations with others. They also do this every time they use the trash room — which verges on compulsive in its frequency. We live in a doorman building in a relatively safe part of Manhattan. Are they being rude, or am I just missing my quieter neighbors?
LOCKED AND LOADED
There is no accounting for what gets under our skin — which is about as generous as I can be with you. Get yourself outside for a nice walk. Your neighbors’ door locking and trash-room visits are none of your business. Nor do they register even slightly on any reasonable scale of rudeness.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
The post My Sister-in-Law Schedules Events Without Clearing the Dates With Us. Help! appeared first on New York Times.
