There’s a point in some long-term relationships when you realize you still love the person next to you and you still find them attractive, but you’d also be completely fine going to sleep. That can be confusing as hell.
There isn’t one reason desire changes over time, and it’s also not because your relationship is doomed. Sometimes the issue is stress. Sometimes you become too comfortable. Sometimes you’ve become so good at “living life” together that it’s hard to remember you used to make out for no reason.
A German study that followed 2,500 committed couples found that men and women entered long-term relationships with somewhat similar levels of sexual desire. Over time, men’s desire declined gradually, while women’s fell much more quickly. Science writer Daniel Bergner reported on the findings, which complicate the old assumption that women are simply better suited to monogamy.
One explanation comes from research around the Dual Control Model, developed by scientists at the Kinsey Institute. The basic idea is that sexual arousal has an accelerator and a brake. Things that turn you on press one. Things that make sex give you the ick press the other.
Long-term relationships have lots of elements that push down on that brake pedal. Stress. Unresolved arguments. Kids. Chores. Exhaustion. Knowing you have a million things to do tomorrow. You can still be attracted to someone while also having 14 other things occupying your brain when they start kissing your neck.
Why Long-Term Relationships Can Kill Your Sex Drive Without Killing Attraction
Relationship researcher Amy Muise at York University has looked at another piece of this. Her work, published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, suggests closeness can support desire, but people also need to remain separate human beings with lives and identities of their own.
“What’s also needed for desire is otherness or distinctiveness,” Muise told York University. “It’s important to bring new things into the relationship, find ways to see a partner in a new light.”
That does make a certain amount of sense. It’s difficult to feel into someone when every conversation you’ve had for three days has involved the house, soccer practice, and what you’re having for dinner every night.
For other people, the brakes have been on for years, even before the relationship has entered the picture. Someone who’s spent a long time being anxious, hyper-independent, or waiting for the next bad thing to happen might have trouble relaxing once life becomes safe.
“When your body is constantly scanning for what might go wrong, it’s very difficult to drop into pleasure,” somatic therapist Briony Montgomery told Body+Soul.
And feeling secure with someone doesn’t automatically teach your nervous system how to unclench. Psychologist Taash Balakas told Body+Soul, “Softening doesn’t mean losing your independence. It means allowing yourself to experience care without assuming it will disappear.”
Libido can change for many reasons. Nothing is wrong with you. Maybe just take a step back and see what other outside factors are taking priority.
The post Why You Still Love Them but Don’t Really Want to Have Sex (and What You Can Do About It) appeared first on VICE.
