A few years ago, a man emailed me through Ancestry.com to say we are first cousins. I ignored him at first because it didn’t seem possible. Then he contacted me again. He said he was adopted and his birth certificate has the name of one of my uncles.
I called my uncle and we had an awkward conversation in which he just changed the topic. Then this man contacted me again. He seems quite hungry to know his biological family. I’m sure he wants to know the story behind being put up for adoption. I again contacted my uncle, who said it was a scam and that the only children he had are my cousins.
What is my ethical obligation to this perhaps-cousin? I don’t want to tell my mother or her siblings because this is private information. At the same time, I feel very sad for this man trying to find his father. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your uncle would seem to be embarrassed by the circumstances of your cousin’s birth and adoption. That’s unfortunate; it would be better if he were willing to let his seeming-son know something about his origins. But you have neither the obligation nor the ability to set this right.
Because this man’s birth certificate lists your uncle’s name, he has a basis for trying to find him without your help. What you can do is let your putative cousin know that you spoke with the person named on the birth certificate, who denied the connection and does not want to be contacted. And you can wish him well.
A Bonus Question
I am a resident physician in a program with about 50 other residents. This past year, I was sexually harassed by a co-resident, who made inappropriate comments to me and was making explicit comments about me to other residents when I was not present. Originally we were friends, and the comments came after several months of otherwise appropriate behavior. He has a history of making objectifying comments about female co-residents and women in general, including those he considers his friends. While I reported him, he remains in the program.
There is now a new group of interns. Given his pattern of befriending female colleagues and then talking inappropriately about them, I am worried about the new group. What responsibility, if any, do I have to warn them about his behavior? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
You say that his behavior has already been brought to the program’s attention; I would hope that he has been put on notice not to repeat it. Making the residency safe shouldn’t fall on your shoulders. Provided you stick to facts known to you, though, you can certainly choose to tell incoming women residents what happened. What keeps this from being a duty is that you’re also entitled to protect your own privacy and well-being. You shouldn’t have to serve as a warning system because the institution failed to deal adequately with the person who caused the problem.
The primary duty here lies with those in charge of the program. It should have been made clear to this resident that such behavior is unacceptable; appropriate steps to prevent its recurrence should have been taken. The program should also ensure that all incoming residents understand that sexual harassment is prohibited and must be reported. After that? Once the program has been alerted to a credible problem, it has to figure out what safeguards are warranted and it has to take responsibility for enforcing them. When informal cautions among women residents become a stopgap in the face of institutional inaction, the burden of preventing future misconduct is wrongly shifted onto those most likely to be exposed to it.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who learned that her boyfriend had been anonymously sexting with other people and wondered whether it counts as cheating. She wrote:
My boyfriend and I are college juniors and we have been together for seven months. He told me recently that until a month ago, he had been sexting women on the social platform YikYak, which lets you message anonymously with other people at your college. He said that the chats all remained anonymous and no photos were involved. I don’t know if I should break up with him. If he were cheating, I would do so instantly. If he had just been reading smut or watching porn, I wouldn’t care. This is a weird middle ground where he’s not really cheating, but he’s definitely crossing a line. … I also don’t know what obligation I have to protect his reputation. … I don’t want to cause him harm by telling people why we broke up. … But I also don’t want to harm my reputation — I can’t afford to lose friends because they think I’m in the wrong for breaking up with him. Is sexting anonymously cheating? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Whether it’s cheating depends on a relationship’s ground rules or, anyway, on the basic understanding the partners share. … Maybe the term “cheating” needn’t bear all the weight, though. You could ask your boyfriend to stop sexting and explain you consider it a breach of trust, as well as “embarrassing and gross.” But it may be more useful to establish expectations for the future than to relitigate the past. … As to what to tell other people if these conversations result in a breakup? It would be truthful to say that you split because you realized the relationship was not working. You could stop there; you don’t want to broadcast intimate details gratuitously. But you’re not obliged to conceal the reason if you need to explain yourself to close friends or seek their support, though you could let them know that the information is not for sharing further.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Your boyfriend doesn’t have to meet some arbitrary or official definition of cheating for you to break up with him. You find what he did “embarrassing and gross.” That’s enough reason to break up with him. The only reason you need is that you no longer want to be his girlfriend. Cut yourself loose! — Wendy
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The boyfriend says he stopped sexting a month ago. What prompted this? Did the nature of their relationship change? Did he realize it was unhealthy or something that the writer would consider a breach of faith? Has it been difficult to refrain from it for the last month? I think conversations like this will point the way forward. — Nancy
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The Ethicist makes a good point about cheating as breaking the rules of a relationship. That said, monogamous relationships that have not previously defined rules for engaging in sexual activities with other people — like sexting — generally exclude them by default. I’m also a college student, and YikYak can easily lead to hookups, especially if he’s sexting with people on your campus. If he didn’t have the forethought to discuss this with you before he did it, it may be best to cut the relationship off now. — Robin
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The boyfriend shared very intimate information with the letter writer that he expected to remain in trust. She should not share this information with close friends, even if she asks them not to share it further. She can simply say, as the Ethicist suggests, “I wasn’t feeling it anymore.” — LeeAnn
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The letter writer states that her boyfriend stopped sexting a month before telling her. It seems that he might have realized that his relationship with her was more fulfilling than any para-relationship he may have. He stopped on his own and then came clean: I see this as positive. He started this habit as a very young person, and now that he is maturing, he may see that it no longer serves him. Having the letter writer in his life may be a big part of that! One important question I would have for him: Does he intend to go back to anonymous sexting? If not, I think he deserves another chance. We all make questionable decisions when we are young and deserve the opportunity to redeem ourselves. — Diane
The post My Uncle May Have a Son He Won’t Acknowledge. What Do I Owe My (Maybe) Cousin? appeared first on New York Times.
