Most people know what a bad fight looks like. Someone gets defensive, someone says the thing they meant to keep to themselves, and now you’re both pissed.
But relationships also get tested when things are going well. One person gets good news, lands the promotion, finishes something they’ve been working on, and the other person has a chance to either meet them there or completely kill the moment.
A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that communication during positive moments was just as strongly linked to relationship satisfaction as communication during conflict. Put together, those two moments give you a pretty good look at the relationship: how you fight and how you celebrate each other.
1. How You Fight
Dr. John Gottman spent years watching couples argue in a University of Washington lab and found four behaviors that kept showing up in marriages headed for divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He eventually gave them a name: the Four Horsemen.
Research has also found that having disagreements isn’t necessarily what causes trouble. The bigger issue is what happens once the disagreement starts. Getting defensive, shutting down, insulting each other, or turning one argument into a full review of everything the other person has ever done wrong can do a lot of damage.
Researchers use the term “perceived partner responsiveness” for feeling like your partner still understands you and cares about you, even when you’re both pissed off. That can mean sticking to the actual disagreement, not trying to hurt each other, and finding a way back to normal afterward.
2. How You Celebrate
Psychologists call it “capitalization” when someone shares good news with a partner and gets a response that matches the moment.
A 2023 study found that people who feel appreciated during those moments become more appreciative of their partner in return, feel more committed to the relationship, and pay closer attention to what their partner needs.
Researchers have identified four types of responses, but the best one is active and enthusiastic. Ask questions. Be interested. Let them enjoy the thing they’re excited about. One study even linked this kind of response with greater sexual satisfaction. So, that’s a perk.
Most people also know the opposite response when they see it. You tell someone something you’re thrilled about, they glance up from their phone and say, “That’s cool,” then go right back to scrolling. They might not mean anything by it, but it can still feel sh*tty.
You’re going to have bad fights. You’re also going to have moments when one person is thrilled and the other is tired, distracted, or just having a bad day. What matters is what happens next. Do you make things worse, or do you give each other your presence?
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