Most marriages don’t fall apart all at once. It usually starts with smaller things that are easy to explain away. You talk less. Touch less. Plans get made around each other instead of together. For a while, it can look like stress, work, kids, or one bad month. Then you realize you’ve been living with someone who’s been mentally gone for a while.
Figs O’Sullivan, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Empathi, points to the pursue-withdraw cycle as one of the strongest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce. One person keeps reaching for connection while the other pulls farther away. From inside the marriage, it can take a while to even see that’s what’s happening.
1. He’s Physically There but Mentally Somewhere Else
Family law attorney Anna Blood told Scary Mommy that an early sign is when “connection gives way to coexistence.” You still talk, but it’s mostly about the logistics of the day: who’s driving where, what’s for dinner, what got paid, what didn’t.
The conversations you used to have for no reason start disappearing. So do plans that involve the two of you six months from now. You’re still sharing a house and a Costco membership, but the actual relationship is harder to feel.
2. The Conversation Has an Expiration Date
The talk gets shorter, safer, and increasingly practical. They’re not asking what you’ve been thinking about lately or admitting what’s bothering them. Divorce coach Mardi Winder-Adams describes these exchanges as closer to conversations between acquaintances than spouses.
You can spend an entire evening talking and realize afterward that neither person said anything remotely personal.
3. He’s Suddenly Very Busy
Sex and relationship therapist Emma Shandy Anway of ESA Counseling Services says emotional withdrawal can come with lots of distraction. Work runs late. Hobbies absorb whole weekends. Solo time becomes a regular request rather than an occasional one.
Any of those things can be perfectly normal on their own. The concern is when it happens consistently.
4. The Four Horsemen Move In
Psychologist John Gottman identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as four communication behaviors strongly associated with divorce—aka the Four Horsemen. Emotional withdrawal can bring some of them into everyday life through constant irritation, sarcastic digs, defensive replies, or simply refusing to engage.
Stonewalling is especially telling. An argument used to mean two people were angry but still participating. Now, one person just says “whatever” or diminishes the argument.
5. Physical Intimacy Drops Off
Every couple has its own normal when it comes to sex and affection, so there’s no magic number of hugs or nights together that proves anything. What matters is when the kind of intimacy you two once had starts to disappear.
Maybe sex becomes uncommon. Maybe kissing turns into a peck goodbye. Maybe you sit next to each other on the couch for three hours without touching once.
O’Sullivan’s larger point is that the pursue-withdraw cycle usually gets worse when no one addresses it. Couples therapy can help people understand why one partner keeps reaching while the other retreats and whether both still want to repair the relationship.
Emotional withdrawal doesn’t always end a marriage. It does mean something has changed, and the longer that distance goes unspoken, the harder it can be to pretend everything is fine.
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