When my oldest child was around 50, she informed me that she was in the process of a gender transition. I supported that decision. My child asked me to keep the process secret, which I did. A couple of years later, she told me I was free to talk about it. Her father and I are divorced, and I cautioned her that he and I have friends in common. My telling them might mean that her father would learn about her. She said that wasn’t a problem. So, when my son told me that my ex-husband was in poor health, I decided he had a right to know about our daughter. I wrote him a letter. Now, my children are furious: My son doesn’t believe his sister gave me permission to tell my ex-husband, and my daughter hasn’t spoken to me in 10 years. I have written letters to everyone apologizing for my mistake, but it hasn’t made any difference. Will I die without seeing my daughter again?
MOTHER
I’m sorry for your long estrangement. Still, I see a glimmer of hope. Despite acknowledging your mistake — outing your daughter to her father without her permission — your email is largely a defense of your behavior. You note that your daughter gave you the green light to tell people about her, even after you warned her that her father might discover her news. The implication is clear: If she didn’t care that your friends might tell him, why the big fuss when you did?
You seem to want it both ways: to be justified in your behavior and to be forgiven by your children. But when your daughter gave you permission to tell other people, she didn’t mean notifying her other parent by mail! If you felt that your ex-husband needed to know about her, you should have urged your daughter to tell him.
So, the choice is yours: Persist in admitting a mistake that you cloak in justification — which your daughter probably notices. Or acknowledge that telling her father was aggressive and wrong. Now, even if you accept responsibility, your daughter may not forgive you. But at least you will have made a sincere apology, and that may be the first step toward forgiveness. I would take that chance in a heartbeat.
This Game Is Going Into Overtime
I am friends with a Type A couple. When we meet, they often complain about their nanny’s laziness in performing her duties. But I believe that what they see as laziness may be the nanny’s contempt for her ridiculous working conditions. They keep track of the number of minutes she is late to work, for instance, and insist that she make the time up at the end of the day. I think that is dehumanizing. May I suggest that being more generous with the nanny may improve her performance?
FRIEND
I agree that your friends’ attention to punctuality seems intense, but are you sure there’s no reason for it? Does the nanny’s tardiness make their child late for school, perhaps, or make them late for work? We don’t know. What’s more, your message is littered with the language of judgment: “contempt,” “ridiculous,” “dehumanizing.” These are the wrong notes to hit in persuading people to change their behavior. I would put aside your desire to help the nanny without a better sense of the working relationship. You may inadvertently make things worse for her.
Deweeding the Neighbor’s Lawn
Our longtime next-door neighbor moved into a senior residence, and her granddaughter and husband moved into her house. We welcomed them to the neighborhood, brought them food and told them we’re here if they need anything. The husband is doing some construction in the yard, and he asked if the noise was a problem. We told him that it was fine, but that the smell of the weed he smokes in the yard is strong. (It often forces us indoors, and we can’t leave our windows open.) But that hasn’t stopped him, and weed is legal in our state. Any advice?
NEIGHBOR
I think it’s a good sign that your neighbor asked about the noise. He sounds like a considerate person. And I wonder if your comment about the weed came across as an observation rather than a request. Go next door and explain yourself in a friendly way: The strong smell prevents you from enjoying your yard and keeping your windows open. Perhaps there’s another place on the property where he can smoke? Or another strain that may not be so pungent? He probably isn’t legally obliged to change his behavior, but he may do so to keep the vibes neighborly.
A Point of Light on a Dark Day
My son was born on the anniversary of Sept. 11. When people ask me his birthday and I tell them, they will often make a nervous joke or say, “That’s too bad!” This makes me overcompensate for the awkwardness — with a joke of my own or a weird story. I wish I had a better response. Any advice?
MOM
Sept. 11, 2001, was, indeed, a tragic and terrible day. And yet, something wonderful happened on its anniversary: Your son was born! I think you can help people who are trying to process this information on the fly. Say: “Life is funny, isn’t it? Tragedy and joy, happening side by side.”
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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