DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for eight years. For the most part, we are happy, but there is one thing that upsets me. He doesn’t like to have people over for social events. In fact, I can’t get him to participate in any social outing without him moaning and complaining the entire time.
I enjoy getting together with friends and having people over and so do our children. I love hosting birthday parties, barbecues and such, and I would love to have couples over for drinks or even a game night. It’s a constant struggle because my husband won’t meet me halfway. I feel like I’m trapped in my own home and can’t go anywhere. If I do go, he rarely accompanies me and our kids to social gatherings, and I am left to explain why he isn’t with us. I hate being put in this position. How can I make him meet me halfway? — HELD BACK
DEAR HELD BACK: Short of ordering your husband to socialize at gunpoint, there’s nothing you can do. (Please do not point a gun at your husband.) By now, you should have realized that you can’t change him. You can, however, change how you react to his behavior.
Unless he had a complete personality change after the wedding, this is the person you married. Because this is who he is, it’s up to you to be less embarrassed and more up-front about explaining his absence when you and your children socialize without him. (“You know, ‘Harry’ just isn’t comfortable socializing. It’s not in his nature.”)
Unless he forbids you to host a game night once in a while, go ahead and plan one. If he’s as antisocial as you say he is, he won’t be missed.
DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter “Carrie” is getting married this fall. She has asked me to escort her down the aisle. She is in her mid-30s, and this is her second marriage. I am honored but also uncomfortable. Her mother (my daughter, “Lori”) and father were never married, and they have three children together. He was emotionally and physically abusive to the children and my daughter.
Carrie is estranged from her father and has had nothing to do with him for several years. She is also estranged from her mother. She feels that Lori has never been a mother to her, didn’t protect her or her siblings from their father and has recently made little effort to show an interest in her life.
I have not yet told Lori that Carrie asked me to escort her down the aisle. I know Lori will be heartbroken. I am afraid that when I do tell her, our relationship will suffer. It is a long time between now and the wedding. Any suggestions? — CONFLICTED GRANDMOTHER
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: Lori must already know that she won’t be invited to the ceremony, much less be a member of the wedding party. She can’t expect Carrie to walk down the aisle alone, so I hope she will be grateful that Carrie has a proud grandmother to fill the role. If not, that’s her problem; do not make it yours. Help give Carrie a loving, happy wedding day, and don’t allow the conflict between them to drag you down.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
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