One of the most difficult parts of dating is enduring breakups and finding the strength to move forward after heartbreak. For months, sometimes years, after a breakup, many of us fall into patterns of sulking, ruminating, and looking back on our past partners with an unrealistic view of the situation, painting it as better than it was. In fact, this dating trend even has its own name: ex-nostalgia.
Do you experience ex-nostalgia? Here’s how to finally release your ex and move forward with your life.
What Is Ex-Nostalgia?
Ex-nostalgia is exactly what it sounds like: nostalgia about an ex-partner. This might look like over-romanticizing a past relationship, dwelling on the loss of a significant other (even though the breakup needed to happen for your own good), and simply ruminating about what you miss most.
“Ex-nostalgia is when you look back at your relationship with rose colored glasses to remember the best, happiest, and most romantic times,” Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a relationship expert at Hily Dating App and Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, told VICE. “Conveniently, this look back excludes all of the tears, arguments, and bad times so you aren’t looking at the whole relationship, good and bad, just cherrypicking the parts that you miss.”
Impacts of Ex-Nostalgia
If you’re constantly focusing on your ex, you’re unlikely to heal and move on from the relationship.
“The impact of ex-nostalgia is that you’re not looking back clearly and rationally; you’re re-creating often the person you wish they were because sometimes it feels better to long for a person you never really had than to sit with the disappointment that they were never who you needed them to be,” says Dr. Romanoff. “It’s almost like an escapist fantasy, daydreaming about how they were the perfect partner, even if you were disappointed and not fully satisfied while dating them. Escapism can also have real costs, as it may demotivate you to be present in your life and actively try to find a new partner [who] will actually be a better match.”
Of course, this behavior can also influence current dating situations or relationships. For example, you might constantly compare your dates to your ex, telling yourself no one could possibly match up to them. Or perhaps you’re overlooking differences and incompatibilities while romanticizing your toxic relationship and holding out hope for reconnection. This energy can keep you stagnant in your dating life.
How to Release Ex-Nostalgia and Stop Reminiscing
While some ex-nostalgia is completely normal from time to time, too much of it can become toxic. At some point, you must be willing to let your ex go, trusting that if you’re meant to be, you will eventually find your way back to each other—but not by constantly obsessing over them and seeing your relationship through rose-colored glasses.
“Start reminding yourself who they actually are, and not just who you wanted them to be,” Dr. Romanoff recommends. “You can do this by listing all the things that upset you about them, or all the times you felt hurt or unseen. It’s essential to try to hold the good with the bad, because more often than not the bad traits of our exes cancel out the good entirely and free us to [move] forward.”
The post The Real Reason You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex, According to a Relationship Expert appeared first on VICE.
