My parents divorced 40 years ago, when I was 8. My mother passed away 25 years ago, and my father still doesn’t seem to understand that I’ve had two separate families since the divorce: my mother’s and his. When my mother’s brother and his wife invited me for a weekend trip, for instance, my father was offended that he wasn’t included. I had to sit him down and explain how it is with divorced families: My mother’s relatives may not hate him, but they don’t expect to hang out with him either. Explaining this to my father was very difficult for me. Now, years later, he will be visiting the town where my uncle and aunt live, and he has invited them to lunch. So, I stifled a groan and reached out to my uncle and told him not to feel obligated to meet my father for my sake. Was I right to intervene?
CHILD OF DIVORCE
Many children grow up in households that are unstable in some way. That can include parental divorce, as in your case, or some other form of emotional or material volatility. It’s natural for children to feel anxious or angry or sad about these circumstances. And it sounds as if you still cope with your feelings by trying to manage the people around you to prevent further instability, just as I did. But as much as I empathize with you, it was never your job to manage adults — and it still isn’t.
If your father was disappointed that he was not invited on a weekend getaway, let him feel his feelings. It’s not your place to minimize them — much less to explain how divorce works to a man who has been divorced for 40 years. (Incidentally, I know plenty of former in-laws who remain friendly and socialize; they were related by marriage for years.) Likewise, there was no need for you to go behind your father’s back to intervene with your uncle about the lunch invitation: Everyone is a grown-up here and free to accept or refuse invitations.
Now, I expect my advice may feel counterintuitive to you if you have made it your job to manage your two separate families. But I think if you stopped trying to control your father, you may find it incredibly liberating. There is no upside in trying to manage situations that pose no risk to you. At this point, it’s just a bad habit.
Set Aside an Hour for the Tuna Melt
My wife and I sat down in a mostly empty diner this morning. The waiter promptly took our order: two B.L.T.s. Forty-five minutes later, after two polite inquiries about the delay, our food arrived. The waiter was apologetic, but not at all sympathetic. He told us that he had no control over the kitchen and that our meal was free. My wife did not want to leave a tip, but I disagreed and left $20. Your thoughts?
HUNGRY
There is a division of labor in most restaurants. After your waiter takes your order and delivers it to the kitchen, he has no role in making your B.L.T.s. It sounds as if the cook was AWOL or otherwise engaged for 45 minutes — which is unfortunate, but not a problem the waiter could fix. For me, a performance of distress by the waiter would not have improved the situation. And in the end, your meal was comped. Not ideal, but probably the best your waiter could do for you.
Long Time, No Impose!
I am fortunate to own a beautiful second home on a lake. I never had children, so I love bringing family and friends together to enjoy the house. But it upsets me when people who have not been in touch with me — sometimes for years — ask to stay. Some of them don’t even try to schedule their visits for when I’m there! It would cost me nothing to let these people use the house in my absence, but it breaks my heart to receive their requests. Am I being stingy to refuse them?
HOST
No is a complete answer — and often, the right one. Here, your narrow question is not a close call: You don’t need a reason to refuse people free use of your lake house. You are not running a hotel. But I would also caution you not to run wild with heartbreak or resentment over a single selfish request. We all make mistakes. Say: “That’s not a convenient time for a visit. But let’s try to catch up again after all these years!” It is seldom wrong to give old friends the benefit of the doubt.
Big Auntie Is Watching You
My nephew kindly agreed to house-sit for my partner and me and to watch our old Lab. We keep several cameras around the house: in the yard, in the living room and where the dog sleeps. My nephew is uncomfortable with the cameras on when he is in the house, but he’s happy to turn them on when he goes out. Is it wrong to insist that the cameras stay on?
AUNT
Team Nephew here! Your relative is doing you a favor and does not deserve to be surveilled 24/7. His proposed compromise — turning the cameras on when he leaves — seems reasonable to me. If it doesn’t work for you, place an ad for a dog sitter with an exhibitionist streak.
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