My daughter and her best friend are entering their senior year of high school and have been close since grade school. Lately, this friend’s behavior around alcohol has escalated into dangerous territory. While the rest of their friend group barely drinks — or doesn’t drink at all — this girl gets extremely drunk. Recently, she fell off a chair and injured herself, and on another night, she urinated on herself at a friend’s house.
All of the girls in the group are deeply concerned for her safety and want her to get help. Her parents, however, are known to be very strict, and the girls fear that telling them will result in severe punishment rather than support, or that it will ruin their friend’s trust completely.
As a parent, my instinct is clear: If this were my daughter, I would want to know so I could intervene before something catastrophic happens. But I worry about blowing up this girl’s home life or driving her behavior further underground if her parents react punitively rather than therapeutically.
Do I have a moral obligation to inform her parents, even if it might mean harsh consequences for her? Or does my duty lie in guiding the teenagers on how to handle this among themselves?
— Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
You’re describing a situation that’s too serious for a group of teenagers to manage on their own. If you have a relationship with this girl that makes it appropriate, consider speaking with her directly and conveying your concerns. Unless she gives you reason to believe that telling her parents would itself put her in serious danger, they are the adults in the best position to get her medical or counseling support and to supervise her more closely. In any case, it’s hard to see how she can get the assistance she requires without her parents knowing. Talking with the girl may also help you work out how to frame the issue for her parents so that they’ll take the proper steps. In approaching the parents, prepare yourself for the possibility that they’ll react punitively, and offer a few ideas for where they could turn for help instead.
It sounds as if you’re willing to take responsibility for telling the parents; if you do, it should lessen the impact on the relationships among these teenagers. Her friends care about her and want to support her, but grown-ups should be the ones making sure she gets the help she needs.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was worried about her estranged husband’s safety. She wrote:
I have been married for 55 years to a man who is highly intelligent and educated. … The problem is that he is a full-blown hoarder. … More than a decade ago, he agreed to go to counseling with me to work on how to better communicate. … When I brought up working on the clutter together, he stood up, said he was done and walked out. We separated soon after that. … In the 10 years I have been gone, the hoarding has gotten much, much worse. His furnace has been broken for two years because he won’t let anybody into the house to fix it, so he has gone through two Northeastern winters with no central heat. … He also does not have a working hot water heater or clothes dryer. … He does not have dementia. … It is entirely his choice to live like this. … But he refuses to change. … If we call Elder Services, he will know it was one of us and he would never forgive us. Thoughts? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Unfortunately, it is notoriously difficult to get hoarders to accept that they need help. And most solutions depend on their doing so. … You might consider narrowing the scope of the intervention. You could still try to get him to see that the clutter in his basement makes it impossible to restore the heat in the house and that, at the very least, clearing a path to allow someone through would solve that problem. Clearing clutter in order to meet a specific need of his, rather than simply because it is clutter, won’t require him to admit (or you to insist) that he has a psychiatric problem. … You might also find a clinician who specializes in this disorder and, at intervals, gently remind your husband that you have that person’s contact information. … In the end, though, you may have to accept that there’s only so much that can be done for someone who doesn’t recognize that anything is wrong. One of the painful parts of loving another adult is understanding that some problems are not ours to solve.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Many adults, including cigarette smokers, mountaineers, racecar drivers, boxers and football players, engage in activities that endanger their health and safety. It is entirely their choice to live like this. They are not diagnosed with the likes of “mountaineering disorder” or subjected to intervention from Adult Protective Services. Why treat hoarders differently? — Felicia Nimue
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As someone who lived through a similar situation, I would push back on the idea that this is the hoarder’s “choice.” Hoarding itself is a mental disorder. The letter writer needs to consult with a specialist in this disorder so her husband can get the mental health help he so desperately needs and get out of this dangerous situation. The other point is more practical. The letter writer didn’t specify who owns the house, but if it is jointly owned, it is a valuable resource for her and her children that is being destroyed through neglect — another reason to act now. Ten years is too long a delay. — Susan
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If the hoarder’s house faces a risk of fire, it is not only a risk to his safety but potentially a risk to nearby houses. Maybe try presenting this as a concern. — Andy
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I’m a hoarder and have been in a very similar situation, cold winters and all. Calling the authorities might be more dangerous than the living conditions. Hoarders often keep things because that’s a loss they can prevent. Things stay, things don’t die. Things don’t judge and don’t bully. Things are memories, dreams, hope. The shame is huge, it takes up so much energy. But giving away these things is painful. Usually it’s hard to let go when old wounds are open. So listen to his stories. Don’t judge. Don’t add pressure. The best help is usually someone who is very clear that the hoarding doesn’t make the hoarder less loved. — Barbara
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Since the writer mentions her husband is generous, perhaps the grown kids could help by asking if they could have some of the things. He may not want to “dump” things that have sentimental value to him, but he might be willing to share them. In our case, we would take things my mom was willing to give us, which made her happy. We did not keep all of it, though! I hope that was not overly dishonest on our part, but we helped her get rid of “stuff” that way. — Jan
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