Hi! I am your Senate-confirmed secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and don’t worry, the worm in my brain has been dead for a long time. Forget The Real Food Show, the cooking show that I really do host on HHS.gov. Welcome to The Recalled Food Show, the cooking show America deserves.
Summer is coming to an end! When I think of summer food, I think about having your falcon bring you a roadkill slider, but I’m told others think salad and blueberries.
So I thought I would share one of my favorite recipes from the new upside-down food pyramid. (The honored top, of course, is microbes.)
Someone said, “There is no sauce like hunger.” I say, “There is no sauce like the potential risk of a deadly foodborne disease.” And you can see that in my past eating habits. I’ve gone on the record saying that the only three things I won’t eat are monkey, dog, and human meat!
Obviously, I am not directly responsible for all the recalls this summer. I did wish on a monkey’s paw (shortly before sticking said monkey’s paw in my animal-parts fridge for closer observation) that all consumers of fast food would be punished, but salmonella jalapeños at Chipotle was not what I had in mind. (I was thinking more that I would wrestle these fast-food consumers individually into submission while wearing my stiffest pair of athletic jeans.)
We can all agree that for too long we have been weak and coddled. Kids don’t have to fight measles and polio to earn the right to grow up, as we used to. They just grow up. It makes me sick (an enviable state) when I think of it. I’m working hard to rightsize the new generation with all my vaccine initiatives. So I’m grateful that food is dangerous again.
Danger is exciting! It used to be that a man was a hunter. He would go out with his spear and come back covered in blood, carrying a room-temperature animal carcass. Death was on the line! When we faced the risk of death with every meal, we were probably the healthiest we’d ever been, those of us who survived.
Now, to the recipe! Before this summer’s developments with lettuce, I would never touch salad. I don’t eat anything that isn’t capable of killing me; it doesn’t feel sporting. But now I eat it all the time! Finally, a worthy opponent.
If you share my attitude toward risk, you’ll love this recipe! The perfect salad to end your summer.
Worthy Opponent Salad
Ingredients:
One head of recalled lettuce
One cup recalled alfalfa sprouts
One cup recalled frozen blueberries
One heaping tablespoon recalled lactation granola
Recalled ground beef, to taste
Instructions
1. DO NOT WASH lettuce. This is cheating.
2. DO NOT WASH blueberries.
3. Pour them into a bowl (ideally one you have carved yourself from a whale’s pelvis).
4. Sprinkle with granola.
5. Sprinkle with ground beef (I like mine raw).
6. Face the salad, man-to-man. Say, “You are a worthy opponent, and may the best man or lettuce win.”
7. Bon appétit!
For dessert, enjoy some popsicles with shards of glass in them! I know I will!
ROAR,
Bobby
The post The Recalled-Food Show With RFK Jr. appeared first on The Atlantic.
