Welcome to LOST WEEKEND, VICE’s new Monday briefing.
Monday can hit the nervous system harder than a carjacking, especially if you’ve spent the weekend gooning over the new Grand Theft Auto VI trailer.
The 26-minute GTA 6 “extended look” dropped at the end of last week, first on Netflix and then on YouTube. Rockstar’s record-breaking series has become infamous for allowing fans to simulate their wildest fantasies, and this latest installment looks no different: It follows a couple, Jason Duval and Lucia Camino, giving many gamers a tantalizing glimpse of something they’ve never experienced in real life: a sexual relationship.
The preview is made up entirely of in-game footage, with the graphics of such high quality it’s maybe no surprise people got carried away—like the one X account (I assure you, no relation of ours) that posted a “Lucia’s Ass Jiggle Physics Compilation”. The unprecedented level of detail means there’s more to perv over than ever before and the outpouring of unhinged horniness has been led by online fetishists frantically encoding the cutscenes, side quests, and minigames with their own lusty appetites. In recent days, my timeline has looked like an interactive menu for the most common kinks of our strange online moment.
“The outpouring of unhinged horniness has been led by online fetishists”
A lot of the 30 fps simping has focused on Lucia’s feet. There appear to be accounts out there entirely dedicated to posting screenshots and video clips of an animated woman wearing high heels. (Judging by the excitement, I’d guess some of you are jealous of the thug in the trailer who ends up with a stiletto in the eye.) If you describe yourself as a proud member of something called the “Lucia Toe Club”, there is help available.
Given the desire to document each drop of sweat on her back and the lengthy discussions about whether she does or doesn’t have armpit hair, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the drool emojis are only out for Lucia. But her “big beefy princess boyfriend,” Jason, has also been recruited to play an important role within the psychosexual dreamscape. He’s been labeled “a cuck,” which is both the manosphere’s favorite putdown and—perhaps not coincidentally—an increasingly popular type of porn. No doubt there’s a philosophy PhD out there with a Substack thesis about how the libidinal urge to watch another man have sex with your wife is “sublimated” within gaming. But I can’t imagine anyone putting it better than this post: “I’m scared that there won’t be a co-op mode for story because just imagine cracking Lucia knowing that your homie is controlling her.”
While Rockstar has confirmed that GTA 6 will contain no generative AI, it’s not hard to find a selection of increasingly lascivious edits online. In fact, one of the (milder) fakes that has been making the rounds was used to illustrate a lengthy post about how the game is actually a “psyop” to “reprogram every gringo’s brain into thinking latinos are the main character now”—so perhaps gooning isn’t the strangest response to this trailer after all. Get a new gaming chair and strap in for a long, horny winter.
OTHER NEWS
- British political commentator Milo Yiannopoulos is back on home soil after being deported from the United States. Maybe his old boss, Ye, could’ve used a little of his influence to get him banned from the UK, too.
- I had no idea Kendall Jenner and Jacob Elordi were supposedly an item, but I read on deuxmoi that they have an “alleged dog” together. I’m waiting for confirmation though—it might just be a giant stoat.
- And Canadian slacker guitar guy Mac DeMarco put four surprise records up online on Friday, but even I wasn’t going to ruin my weekend by listening to all of them… Shabang!
PREDICTION OF THE WEEK
There’s a huge spike in sales of adult diapers and intravenous feeding pouches as Rockstar announces the release of a new VR version of GTA 6.
BRAND NEW SENTENCE
“Drone Metal Orthodox Priest Guitarist Responds to Fascism, Homophobia Accusations”
Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi
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