Growing up, you might have heard something along the lines of, “If someone is mean to you, it just means they like you!” While this behavior might seem innocent and even endearing between two children on the playground, it’s not quite so excusable in adulthood. And yet, it’s actually become a common (albeit manipulative) form of communication: negging.
What Is Negging?
Negging is a negative, manipulative behavior that involves intentionally degrading or insulting someone (usually a partner or romantic interest) in an attempt to knock their confidence. Typically, the goal is to make the other person feel so insecure that they begin to seek validation from the negging partner, relying on them for their self-worth.
“Negging is one of the more unpleasant strategies developed by toxic male influencers!” says Dr. Owen Muir, double board-certified psychiatrist with Radial Health. “Making other people feel worse about themselves, particularly women, and particularly in the context of dating, can be a way to reduce someone else’s self-esteem. So the strategy is to give a backhanded compliment, or even say something that’s frankly demeaning, so that the person feels worse about themselves.”
Some examples of negging include giving backhanded compliments, picking apart someone’s appearance “as a joke,” or devaluing someone’s success, among others.
Why Do Partners Engage in Negging?
Most partners who engage in negging are insecure themselves. Deep down, they likely believe the other person is out of their league or too good for them. So, to prevent that person from leaving, they intentionally knock their confidence so they become more attached.
“This lowered state of self-regard is then used by the person doing the negging to get what they want,” says Muir. “People who feel vulnerable are more easily manipulated.”
How to Respond to Negging
My default response to negging is to tell the other person to F off. But according to Muir, this might end up fueling your partner’s behavior. If they intend to get a rise out of you and impact your confidence, reacting at all will only give them what they want.
“Negative attention is attention, and any attention reinforces human behavior,” she says. “The best response to negging, if you identify it—that is, comments made to make you feel worse about yourself, even if they are theoretically complimentary—is to not respond.”
Ignoring the negging partner is your best bet at shutting them up. Essentially, you should handle them the same way you’d handle a bully: by giving them zero time and energy. Make them feel as irrelevant as their shitty comments.
“The strategy I advised doesn’t put the neg-ee at risk of having a confrontation with someone who’s using a frankly antisocial mechanism to engage with you; it just pulls the oxygen out of the room for the person trying to do it,” Muir says. “If they keep at it, just literally walk away. Don’t say anything, don’t get angry, just remove yourself from the situation.”
And if it continues, remove yourself from the relationship altogether. Your partner should be your biggest supporter and number one advocate, not your bully.
The golden rule? “Do not provide attention to behaviors we want to see less of!” Muir says.
The post This Common Dating Habit Can Quietly Destroy Your Confidence appeared first on VICE.
