There are many reasons couples end up divorced, from lost feelings and growing apart to neglect and betrayal. However, according to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, there’s a specific arguing pattern and set of behaviors that can spiral even the healthiest of couples toward separation.
Referred to as The Four Horsemen, this metaphor (stemming from The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the New Testament: conquest, war, hunger, and death) describes four unhealthy communication styles: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These toxic behaviors can lead to deep relationship problems and, eventually, divorce.
“The ‘Four Horsemen’ idea was developed by John Gottman’s research about how people interact in their romantic relationships,” says Dr. Shannon Franklin, Licensed Psychologist, Element Q Healing. “What makes this model so valuable is that it points out that fighting itself isn’t what causes a relationship to deteriorate. It is the manner in which each partner communicates when they fight.”
Let’s explore each pillar of The Four Horsemen of Divorce.
1. Criticism
I don’t know about you, but I am exceptionally sensitive to criticism, as I am already hypercritical of myself. When approached with disregard for someone’s feelings, constant criticism in a relationship or during an argument can cause major issues.
“Criticism takes on the role of being a negative judgment of a partner’s character instead of just a complaint for that one issue,” Dr. Franklin explains. “‘You forgot to call’ is criticism of something you did. ‘You’re so selfish’ is a criticism of who you are. Over time, when we habitually criticize our partner in these ways, they begin to feel unsafe sharing their thoughts/needs/complaints.”
2. Contempt
Contempt is by far one of the biggest signs of an unhealthy relationship. If you don’t respect your partner and view them as beneath you (or vice versa), the dynamic can get ugly quickly.
“Contempt demonstrates an attitude of superiority in many ways, including (1) mocking, (2) sarcastic comments, (3) insulting, (4) dismissive body language, (5) ridiculing,” says Dr. Franklin. “Because contempt changes the emotional tone of the conversation from ‘I think we have a problem’ to ‘YOU’RE the problem,’ even a healthy relationship can be damaged by repeated feelings of being belittled as opposed to feeling respected.”
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a common protective mechanism, often stemming from a history of criticism. When you constantly feel judged, devalued, or attacked, it’s natural to become defensive. However, if you’re defensive any time your partner voices a concern, feeling, or need in the relationship, you’ll sabotage your chance at healthy communication.
“Defensiveness is protecting ourselves from being criticized by defending (excuses), denying responsibility, or attacking back,” says Dr. Franklin. “It makes sense but does not allow for restoration of the relationship to occur as the original issue was never acknowledged. When both parties are trying to prove they are right, there is very little room left for curiosity, accountability, and compromise.”
4. Stonewalling
Those who are avoidant or shut down during arguments sometimes default to stonewalling their partner, aka refusing to communicate.
“Stonewalling occurs in situations where an individual withholds emotional engagement in an interaction (e.g., becomes emotionally unengaged, refuses to engage, or remains completely unresponsive),” Dr. Franklin explains. “This typically occurs as a means of avoiding conflict; however, instead of resolving conflict issues, it leads to increased separation and disconnection.”
Partners who stonewall each other have more difficulty working through conflict, as they tend to brush it under the rug without ever really addressing or solving it. This is why so many people claim “the divorce came out of nowhere,” when in all actuality, they were just checked out and refusing to repair.
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