There’s something uniquely irritating about being forced to listen to whatever a stranger has decided to watch on their phone. Suddenly, the airport gate has a soundtrack—and it’s a tinny succession of TikToks, action scenes, and FaceTime chatter that no one else signed up for.
As Sammie Walker Herrera, a communication coach, puts it, you might be screaming internally: “When I said I listen to all kinds of music, I didn’t mean your music.”
Still, it’s one thing to object internally—and another to ask the person to turn it down. What if they get angry, ignore you, or turn up the volume out of spite? We asked etiquette and communication experts how to make the request without turning an annoying situation into an altercation.
First, decide whether you need to say anything at all
Sometimes the easiest solution is simply to get out of earshot. Nicole Del Valle Rose, an etiquette coach and founder of the Las Vegas consultancy Poised & Proper, says the most gracious response is often the least confrontational one.
“Etiquette isn’t about correcting every behavior that bothers us,” she says. “It’s about choosing the response that creates the best outcome for everyone.”
If there’s another table open at the coffee shop or plenty of room elsewhere in the train car, relocate. You’ll solve the problem in seconds and spare both of you an awkward exchange. Save the conversation for situations where you’re truly stuck, like on a plane, in a waiting room, or aboard a packed bus.
Talk about the sound—not the person
It can be tempting to make sure the offender knows they’re being rude. Resist the urge.
“You don’t want to immediately put this person on the defensive,” says Walker Herrera, who runs Speak Y’all, a communication coaching business. “Frame how it’s impacting you, rather than that they’re doing something ‘wrong.’”
Plus, you don’t know why their phone is so loud. They might be hard of hearing, or they may not realize how far the sound is carrying. Treating it as a solvable volume problem—not evidence of a glaring character defect—makes it more likely that they’ll cooperate.
Ask a question instead of making a demand
If you’re comfortable engaging for a moment, it can help to open with a little friendliness. Larry Schooler, an assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Texas at Austin, suggests first asking what the person is listening to. After they answer, he recommends saying: “Oh, cool. I was just wondering if you could maybe lower the volume or listen to it privately; I needed to concentrate on something and was just finding it hard to do.”
Showing interest softens the interaction, Schooler says. Most people would feel uncomfortable if the first words they ever heard from a stranger were instructions to stop what they were doing or change their behavior. Giving a reason for the request also helps them understand where it’s coming from, instead of concluding that you simply dislike their music, video, or podcast.
If you’d rather skip the small talk, Michelle Retsky, a speech-language pathologist and founder of Words in Motion Therapy in New Port Richey, Fla., teaches social communication for a living. She suggests starting with a genuine question: “Excuse me, do you happen to have headphones? I’m having trouble focusing, and the sound is carrying over pretty loudly over here.”
That frames the situation as a problem the two of you can solve together, which “takes pressure off of them,” Retsky says. If they do have headphones and agree to use them, problem solved. If they don’t, follow up with: “Would you mind turning it down?”
Keep it short
There’s no need to deliver a closing argument about the deterioration of public etiquette. The longer you talk, the more uncomfortable—and potentially charged—the exchange can become.
“Short-and-to-the-point requests can be incredibly effective,” says Claudia Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Seattle. Her preferred script is just five words: “Would you mind using headphones?”
Tone matters more than finding the perfect wording. Ask politely, Johnson says, and assume the person simply didn’t realize they were bothering anyone. Most people will be happy—or at least willing—to turn down the volume.
And if they refuse? Just walk away; don’t argue or try to teach them a lesson. “We can’t change how others act; we can only ask nicely,” Johnson says. “If they say no or act immaturely about it, that says something about them and not if it was OK for you to ask.”
If the noise is making a flight, train ride, or restaurant visit genuinely unbearable, ask an employee to intervene rather than escalating the interaction yourself, Del Valle Rose suggests. And if the person seems agitated or unpredictable, skip the direct request altogether. Your peace and quiet isn’t worth jeopardizing your safety.
Above all, don’t become fixated on finding a magical combination of words that will guarantee a pleasant response. Healthy communication “doesn’t come down to saying the ‘right’ things,” Johnson says. “It’s about having the courage to say what you need in a respectful manner, while giving others the dignity of deciding how they will react.”
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