As a middle-aged woman who is content with her life choices, I am embarrassed by how often I envy things I see on Instagram: Other authors’ book deals. Vacations in the Dolomites. I’ve envied people playing mahjong, and I don’t even want to play mahjong.
I’ve always known envy to be one of the deadly sins. The book of Proverbs says, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” I usually feel aggrieved, not peaceful.
Living with other humans, however, makes envy impossible to avoid. “Social comparisons are necessary to learn how to live in a group,” said Stacy S. Kim, a social scientist and the author of the upcoming book “Envy.” “And when we compare, we inevitably look up” to those doing better or having more, she said. The problem is that “we don’t examine our envy,” she added. “We feel ashamed, and so we dismiss it.”
Psychologists argue that envy doesn’t have to be negative. We can use it constructively. Dr. Kim noted that in her native Korea, there is another word for the emotion that connotes motivation rather than resentment. “Envy is not just wanting,” she said. “It’s an alarm bell that shows you what’s important to you.”
Rather than sink into bitterness and self-pity, it’s worth trying to turn envy into a tool for positive change. Here’s how to start.
Go beneath the surface
When we stop to examine our envy, we unearth the “deep desire that is embedded in it,” said Steven J. Sandage, a professor of psychology of religion and theology at Boston University.
Your envy may highlight something that takes you by surprise. “Maybe you didn’t know you cared about or valued this thing, but the tug of envy sends you a message,” said W. Gerrod Parrott, a professor of psychology at Georgetown University who studies emotions.
Dr. Kim said she envied her friends’ beautiful kitchens. What she really valued, however, was cooking fast and efficiently, and her dated setup was slowing her down. Her solution wasn’t a renovation. It was an air fryer.
Avoid malice
Experts distinguish between benign and malicious envy: wanting something versus wishing ill on the person who has it. (Guilty! How many times have I quietly judged someone more successful than I am?) The latter is more corrosive to our well-being, Dr. Parrott said.
We tend to envy people who are similar to us, Dr. Kim said: the co-worker who got the promotion, the fellow parent with a seemingly more polished life. It can feel so satisfying to identify a nemesis and to feel a little thrill when that person trips up. Unfortunately, schadenfreude “has no great upside spiritually or emotionally,” Dr. Sandage said. Ditto being petty.
Take note of what you can emulate, whether that is a skill your co-worker exhibits or an exercise routine. “But don’t make it a competition,” Dr. Parrott said. “If you are only out to do better than the other person, you will be on an unending treadmill.”
And practice empathy as much as possible. “It helps not to idealize other people’s lives,” Dr. Sandage said. “We look at someone and think, ‘Oh, that’s just perfect.’” We all know that behind a curated photo is a messy life.
Tell a friend
Examining your envy can bring up other difficult emotions: grief that you don’t have the relationship you imagined, shame at not being able to achieve a certain health goal. Find trusted friends or a professional to process your feelings with, Dr. Sandage suggested. “Envy itself can feel shameful,” which is why we rarely talk about it, he said.
Let others offer perspective and remind you of the good things in your life. But keep in mind “it’s not a simple attitude change from envy to gratitude,” Dr. Sandage said. “You might need people who can sit with you in the dark spaces first.”
I eventually saw the light about mahjong. I was right that I didn’t want to learn how to play. What I missed was regular get-togethers with close friends. That’s something I can work on — and maybe worth envying.
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