My son has somehow — probably from spending too much time on the wrong websites — become a racist. We are white, and these are not at all the values I bestowed upon my children.
My daughter is married to a Black man, and they recently had a child. After my son made despicable racist comments about Black people, my daughter severed all ties with him. While she hasn’t given me an ultimatum, she has said that if we have a family gathering to please let her know if he’s invited, and she and her family will make other plans.
My son’s hateful views have split our family in two. We can no longer celebrate Christmases or reunions together, and it’s affecting everyone — from grandparents all the way down to cousins. My daughter feels that if one disagrees with her brother’s views yet continues to “rub elbows” with him, they are condoning his behavior.
I do not agree with my son’s views, but I haven’t had the heart to cut him out of my life entirely. How should I handle this gut-wrenching situation?
From the Therapist: You’re describing an agonizing position for any parent to be in: How do you maintain a relationship with one of your children while protecting another from the harm that child has caused? Is it OK to continue loving a child without endorsing behaviors that horrify you?
Your son’s racism has caused real harm to your daughter, her husband and their child. But you don’t have to choose between loving your son and protecting your daughter. You do, however, need to make sure that you aren’t hurting your daughter by letting your son off the hook in order to keep your connection with him.
This is an important distinction, and a good reason to talk with your daughter about what it means for you to have a relationship with her brother while doing everything possible to support her and safeguard her family. You can start by making sure she knows that you understand why she doesn’t want to attend gatherings at which her brother is present, that you will never pressure her to reconsider and that you don’t see her decision as the cause of the family’s division. You can also reassure her that she won’t have to opt out of family occasions you host (as she suggested). Instead, you simply won’t invite her brother to these gatherings until he has repaired the damage he’s caused with her and her family directly.
Granted, this might feel like a hard limit for you to set, especially because your son might never repair the damage, but doing so accomplishes two things. First, it takes a clear protective stand: Those harmed shouldn’t miss out on the joy of family gatherings; those who harm shouldn’t be present in these settings. Second, it leaves room for you to continue to see your son separately — though not neutrally.
Let’s consider how to address your daughter’s view that contact with your son means “condoning his behavior.” Your daughter is struggling to understand that parental attachment can coexist with moral revulsion, meaning that a parent’s love doesn’t usually disappear when a child becomes cruel, destructive or unrecognizable. To help your daughter make sense of this seeming contradiction, you might say something like: “I’m deeply disturbed by what your brother believes, and I’m grieving the person I thought I raised. I also still love him, worry about him and want him in my life. I know this feels confusing to you. But please know that I’m not overlooking what he has done, I won’t ignore it when I’m with him and I still hope that he’ll come to recognize how dehumanizing his beliefs are.”
This is what “not neutrally” means. There’s a difference between being in contact with your son while addressing his racism and conveying that it has no consequences. For instance, if he spews hateful language or ideology that degrades the people you love, and you say nothing in order to keep the peace or avoid a confrontation, then your daughter would be right: You’re condoning his behavior.
Instead, you can address his racism through a desire to understand the change you’ve seen in him. You say your son has “become” a racist, and you suspect he’s spending time in racist online communities. Rather than lecturing him or telling him how wrong he is — because this will only lead to a debate that backs him further into his corner — you might try to learn more about what has sent him down this path. Since you find this change perplexing, use that to approach him with openness rather than judgment.
You could say something like, “I’ve heard you say things recently that are very different from the beliefs I thought you held, and I want to understand what changed. I’m asking because I want to hear you, not argue with you, and because I care about you deeply. I obviously don’t share these beliefs, but there must be a reason you do.” You might ask how he came to think this way, what experiences or people influenced him, what has been going on in his life as he became more interested in these ideas and what he believes these ideas explain for him.
But wait, your daughter might think. Why not just call him out directly and forcefully on his racism? Because, in all my years as a therapist, I’ve never once seen anyone say to another person, “Your views are repugnant!” and get this response: “Oh, wow, you’re absolutely right! Thank you for telling me. I no longer feel that way!”
But I have seen people — in a surprising number of cases — eventually start to shift when they feel loved rather than attacked. Your son might be suffering in ways you aren’t aware of, and your interest in his experience could be something he isn’t getting elsewhere. Hateful ideology often fills a vacuum — isolation, humiliation, a need for belonging or potency — and understanding that vacuum is different from forgiving what filled it.
You’re right that this is gut-wrenching, because no choice will feel entirely right. If you cut ties with your son, you might feel that you’ve abandoned him when he needs you. If you remain in his life, your daughter might feel betrayed. You’ll also need to grieve — not only for the son you thought you had raised, but for the family life you imagined: shared holidays, cousins growing up together, siblings remaining close, everyone gathering around the same table. But families are shaped not only by the harm that occurs within them but by what people do afterward. You can’t repair this rupture, but you can respond in a way that leaves room for accountability, protection, connection and, perhaps, one day, change.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
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