One of the most common yet troublesome family dynamics is enmeshment, and it can be detrimental to your individuality and personal relationships, especially in adulthood. Here’s what you should know about enmeshment—and how to break free from your family’s reins.
What Is Enmeshment?
According to Dipesh Patel, MBA, MSW, LCSW/LICSW, founder and owner of Dipesh Patel LCSW Counseling Services, enmeshment is “not a diagnosis, but rather a relational pattern in which a sense of love and connection is conditional and based on sameness.”
“Many times, enmeshment begins in the family unit as an attempt to create psychological and emotional safety,” he explains. “Individual choices are treated as family choices.”
While individuality might seem to be encouraged, that’s only the case if others in the family approve of it.
“A person is allowed to have their own life and make their own choices as long as it does not upset the family system,” Patel explains. “The moment they upset the family system, they may encounter criticism or blaming, and autonomy might start to feel like abandonment. The person experiencing enmeshment might also start to feel like they are responsible for keeping the other family members happy.”
Signs of Enmeshment
If you’re wondering whether you or your partner are battling enmeshment within your own family units, it helps to understand the potential signs.
“There are many ways enmeshment can come up; it can be as simple as a parent confiding in a child as though they were an adult or a relative expecting immediate access to another’s time,” says Patel. “It can also be family members pressuring each other into decisions and justifying it by saying, ‘I just want the best for you.’”
I think we’ve all dealt with someone like that. What appears to be support from an external POV is actually just projection and influence.
“In essence, the person experiencing enmeshment might have difficulty with just asking and answering a simple question, ‘What do I want?’”
How to Navigate Enmeshment
If you’re battling enmeshment within your own family, you’re not alone—and it’s not always easy to break out of. However, there are some ways to distance yourself from these unhealthy dynamics and feel more grounded in your own independence.
Set the Right Boundaries
“Boundaries” have become a buzzword of sorts, but when approached with care, they can help you create a healthier and more sustainable relationship with your loved ones.
“The idea that something as complex as family relationship dynamics can be managed by drawing a rigid line and simply leaving it there doesn’t do it justice,” Patel points out. “Boundaries aren’t necessarily supposed to be sharp, static divisions. I see them more as running formulations, relational decisions about how you can prioritize your own self-preservation over other people’s disappointment. Try to identify what the boundary is exactly protecting, because as different variables in the dynamic change, it might cause the boundary to change as well.”
Create Predictable Structures/Schedules With Your Family
Simply put, the best way to avoid or challenge enmeshment is to operate separately from your family rather than as a unit.
“Therefore, your own time, privacy, and discussions can remain truly yours,” Patel says. “Otherwise, family members might impulsively reach out to demand access rather than you giving access.”
Avoid Over-Explaining Yourself
One of the most common consequences of enmeshment is the perceived need to over-explain yourself to justify your individuality.
“Sometimes, the more content you provide, the more that can be weaponized against you,” Patel points out. “Also, many times disagreements can quickly turn into a war over whose perspective is most objective. If you find yourself having to go to extreme depths to rationalize to a family member why something really matters to you, chances are you might be treading water.”
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