There are so many amazing songs about sex throughout music history. The best ones, like “The Secret Garden” by Quincy Jones or “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye, are incredibly steamy and irresistible. They’ll tempt the single yearners to call up someone in their contacts and get the sexual frustration out of their system.
But the worst sex songs will make you never want to touch another person again. So in the spirit of saving you from making bad playlist decisions, we’ve selected five songs to avoid at all costs if you’re trying to get past third base.
5 of the Worst Songs You Could Play When You’re Doing the Deed
“Too Close” by Next
“Too Close” becoming such a massive hit remains one of the most bizarre occurrences in R&B history. It’s a song about a guy catching an erection in the club and brushing his bulge against a poor woman. It’s deeply unsexy and not the kind of experience that should’ve made her want to go home with any member of Next. Playing it while finally getting to the bedroom might have that other person regretting their decisions.
“Thong Song” by Sisqo
Sisqo was a master of the bedroom jam. Whether as part of Dru Hill or in his solo work, his grandiose delivery and powerhouse vocals made a seductive night extremely enticing.
“Thong Song” doesn’t exactly nail that idea. Don’t get it confused— it’s a phenomenal record. However, Sisqo’s cartoonish horniness is far too goofy to quite get you or the person you’re with in the mood. Instead, you’ll be too busy laughing at his outrageous high note during the key change.
“Your Body Is A Wonderland” by John Mayer
Not all sex songs are exclusive to R&B. There are plenty of rock and pop stars who tried to make the right song for the bedroom. However, John Mayer’s awkward, limp “Your Body Is A Wonderland” is not one of them. His dry voice and wimpy guitar are enough to make me itch, but there’s something truly juvenile about calling her body a wonderland. Mayer almost makes it sound like he’s at an amusement park. I’m not sure that girl wants to be compared to a carousel or bumper cars.
“Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke, T.I., and Pharrell
Robin Thicke, T.I., and Pharrell combine for the kind of song that reminds you of every older middle-aged guy trying to hit on a woman who’s way too young for him. It feels clunky and extremely pervy. You can understand why the Marvin Gaye estate was so pressed about suing all parties involved.
“High For This” by The Weeknd
The Weeknd has an abundance of songs about sex, but I’m not sure I’d classify any of them as sexy. They have the vibe of a very regretful one-night stand, where you’re likely hungover and wondering who’s in your bed. Sometimes, that kind of dirty, sleazy vibe works, especially if you’re just trying to hook up.
However, “High For This” manages to be unsexy lyrically and musically. The synths are not very sexy, and the way The Weeknd tells a woman that she’s going to want to be high for this suggests she’s in for the worst sex of her life. If you play this, you might risk turning off the other person significantly.
(Photo by Joseph Okpako/WireImage)
The post Don’t Put These 5 Songs on in the Bedroom Unless You Want to Immediately Kill the Mood appeared first on VICE.
