A welcome surprise lit up Sara Elizabeth Tretter’s phone screen while she was vacationing with family in early 2022: a Facebook message from JP Przewoznik.
The former couple had slipped in and out of communication over the course of two decades, exchanging friendly texts, emails and letters to catch up with each other, and occasionally, to send out “feelers.”
This latest message from Przewoznik, who uses they/them pronouns, fit the latter. Przewoznik told Tretter they’d been listening to “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac — the very song they put on a mixtape for Tretter decades ago while dating.
Tretter, then married to her second husband and raising two daughters, was taken aback. “When you made a mixtape for someone in the ’90s, it was quite a profession of love,” she said.
The pair first met in a poetry workshop at N.Y.U. in the fall of 1999 when Przewoznik, then a junior, became smitten with Tretter, a freshman, and her then-shaved head and versification. But few words were exchanged between the two.
A year and a half later, chance reunited them upstate as counselors at Camp Kiwago in Harriman State Park. Tretter put out the first “feeler” when she coyly told Przewoznik, who was assigned female at birth, that she was bisexual and had a girlfriend before.
“I thought to myself, thank God,” Przewoznik said.
A few days later, while speaking about relationships inside a cabin, Przewoznik asked Tretter to stand up from where she was sitting on the floor for their first kiss. “I blacked out and saw stars,” Tretter said.
Their summer romance struggled to survive after Tretter transferred from N.Y.U. to City College. They attempted long distance while Tretter spent a semester at home in Nashua, N.H., but after she moved back to New York, she ended the relationship. “I was so young and stupid,” she said.
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A few months later, in the spring of 2001, Przewoznik graduated from N.Y.U. with a bachelor’s degree in English education and vowed to leave the city.
“The city wasn’t big enough for the both of us,” said Przewoznik, now 49. So they moved to Philadelphia to work as an educator for adjudicated adolescent girls while earning a master’s degree in social work from Temple University.
Tretter, 46, went her own way as well. She worked as a teaching fellow in Harlem after graduating from City College with a bachelor’s degree in English, and began to date an old friend from N.Y.U., who became her husband in 2006. That same year, she and her husband moved to Portland, Ore., for a more affordable lifestyle. There, Tretter earned a master’s degree in curriculum and instruction from Portland State University, and taught elementary school before switching to special education, a job she still holds.
In February 2007, an email popped into Tretter’s inbox from Przewoznik saying they planned to visit a mutual camp friend in Portland and inviting Tretter out for a beer. Within 20 minutes of meeting, they were holding hands. Soon after, they kissed. “We just couldn’t be in the same space together,” Tretter said.
By the end of Przewoznik’s four-day visit, each decided to end things with their respective partners. Tretter moved out of the house she shared with her husband, and Przewoznik ended a long-term relationship. They again tried long-distance dating.
A few months in, Tretter sensed trouble when she called up Przewoznik on her birthday to thank them for a bouquet of flowers they sent. When they didn’t pick up and responded with, “I can’t talk right now, I’m out,” Tretter knew things wouldn’t last. “I got cold feet,” Przewoznik later admitted.
The pair fell out of communication until 2009, when Przewoznik emailed Tretter and told her they’d had thyroid cancer, but were in remission. “She emailed me back and said, ‘I know that we haven’t been in touch, but please let me know if you have cancer ever again,’” Przewoznik said.
From that point on, the two found something of a friendship, exchanging occasional life updates while seeing other people. In 2015, Tretter married her second husband and had two daughters, in 2015 and 2018.
By the time Przewoznik messaged Tretter about the mixtape in 2022, Tretter said she was having marital problems. When their conversation turned flirtatious, she told Przewoznik she wanted to explore their connection “the right way.”
By fall 2022, Tretter and her husband had divorced. “I had the opportunity to let go of my marriage and pursue this person who’s been in my heart for 22 years,” she said.
The next 11 months were filled with logistical and emotional challenges. Przewoznik found their current job in Portland as a program manager for a hospice volunteer program at Kaiser Permanente. But most importantly, they worked on becoming sober.
Born into a family in Old Bridge, N.J., that struggled with addiction, they knew they had to remedy their lifelong struggle with alcohol before becoming a parent to Tretter’s two daughters, now ages 8 and 10. Once Tretter felt confident in Przewoznik’s progress, she proposed to them.
The two wed on July 19 before 66 guests at the Laurelhurst Club in Portland. The Rev. Jennifer Creswell of St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church led the ceremony. The couple created a “love letter wall” filled with years of letters, emails and texts from the many years they stayed in touch.
The post After 23 Years of Missed Connections, the Third Time Was the Charm appeared first on New York Times.
