When I was a teenager, my mother gave birth to twins. Sometime later, I overheard my parents arguing and my father questioning whether the twins were his. I kept this information to myself for more than 60 years. Recently, I had dinner with the twins, and they pleaded with me to tell them what I knew. I repeated the conversation that I had overheard, and I agreed to join them for DNA testing, which showed that our biological fathers are different. The twins are at ease. They say this information does not diminish their feelings for our father, who loved them and raised them as his own. But another sibling is angry with me. She says that I shouldn’t have revealed what I heard. Was I wrong?
BROTHER
At first, I thought: This was not your story to tell. You were not a party to the private conversation between husband and wife that you overheard as a teenager, nor did you have any knowledge of the twins’ paternity. You don’t mention whether they investigated this subject before. But it seems unlikely to me that it would first arise only now — 60 years later.
Still, if I have done the math correctly, the twins are in their 60s, and you are in your mid-70s. I assume that your parents have passed away — so the best sources of information are unavailable to the twins. If my brothers came to me, pleading to know something that I alone could tell them, I would probably have done the same thing that you did. It was perhaps the least bad of your bad options.
Now, as for your sibling who is upset, I can also understand where she may be coming from: Your mother chose not to share the paternity of the twins with them, and her decision deserves some respect. At the same time, we are entitled to know where we come from. And you could have taken a DNA test with the twins at any time. For the future, though, consider whether you are the best person to share sensitive information with others. If not, send them to the person whose story it is to tell.
Relationship Repair Hits a Bump
My 31-year-old daughter is five months pregnant with her first child. She and her husband are over the moon, and I couldn’t be happier for them. My daughter embraces her pregnancy by wearing clothes that leave her belly exposed. She believes that her pregnant body is beautiful. But I was raised with different standards of modesty and decorum. Seeing her dressed like this makes me uncomfortable, and I struggle not to react. Our relationship has been difficult, but we have both been in therapy and made progress in our communication. So far, I have kept my feelings to myself. Should I tell her how uncomfortable I am?
MOM
To this outsider, your therapy seems to have been worth its weight in gold! You acknowledge that you and your daughter came of age at different times and were taught different lessons about your bodies: You learned to keep yours under wraps, and your daughter feels entitled to exhibit the joy of her pregnancy.
I think you have been wise not to police the wardrobe of an adult woman or to raise any concerns about it. Given your difficult history (and the great potential for misunderstandings here), it is better to avoid this topic with her. That’s what your friends are for! I know it can be hard to keep our feelings to ourselves, but I believe that you are on the right track — and your improved relationship with your daughter is proof of it.
Hell Is Other People’s Audio
Is it rude to watch videos in waiting rooms with the sound on and no headphones? I have been encountering this phenomenon with children and adults lately. It seems incredibly inconsiderate to subject others to their noise. Have the rules around this changed?
M.K.
It’s not just waiting rooms! I was recently on a hiking trail and heard Taylor Swift blaring from another hiker’s phone. Any public space can now become a noisy hellscape: waiting rooms, trains, buses, restaurants. And it’s not just videos. I hear loud phone calls on speaker, music booming and video games beeping. The ubiquity of smart devices probably plays a role here, but the selfishness required to inflict one’s personal entertainment on others is incomprehensible to me. Ask your neighbors in the waiting room to use headphones. If they refuse, complain to the people at the front desk.
Go Ahead: Text Stop2Quit
Over the years, I have donated to various political candidates, and my contact information has been shared with other campaigns across the country. While I support the stances of these politicians, I feel exhausted by the volume of emails I receive. I could unsubscribe from these lists, but I would hate to discourage the candidates. Still, I have no intention of donating to faraway campaigns. Advice?
VOTER
Political candidates build their mailing lists with contact information from political parties, data vendors and voter rolls. Opting out of mass emails is not likely to discourage candidates — because they will probably be totally unaware of your action. So unsubscribe and stave off exhaustion for another day.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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