Early in my career, a good friend recommended me to her company. She was not the hiring manager, but her recommendation helped me get a job that I held happily and successfully for more than a decade, laying the foundation for my current position at a prestigious firm.
She was eventually let go. From what co-workers said and what I knew of her work, I believed her performance had fallen short and that efforts to improve it had failed. She blamed the people she worked with for finding fault in her. As her friend, I expressed sympathy and never told her what I had heard. She later found another job and remained there for many years.
She has now been let go again and has asked me for job leads. I am in a position to help and might even be able to get her work with my current employer. The problem is that I am not confident she would meet our standards. If she were hired, I might have to “cover” for her or help prevent the quality of the work from slipping. I also do not want to evaluate or manage a close friend, and I would be uncomfortable recommending her elsewhere in the field.
At the same time, I owe much of my career to her willingness to help me when she was more established than I was. She is a dear friend, and I feel I should return that generosity now. Yet helping her could compromise the reputation I have worked hard to build. I also worry that our friendship could create concerns about bias. On paper she is qualified, but hiring or recommending someone mainly because she is a friend would feel unethical unless I genuinely believed she could do the job.
We are both in our mid-50s and may still need another decade of employment. Should I help her and hope for the best? If I don’t, I may have to explain why, or lie about the availability of work, which would leave me feeling guilty and disloyal.
— Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Given what you know about your friend, could you write her a truthful recommendation that might help her get a job? If not, you shouldn’t write a misleading one that would.
Bringing her into your department could pose further problems. As you recognize, it’s generally unwise to hire a close friend whom you would have to supervise and evaluate. Nor would it be fair to make your employer and colleagues bear the cost of that favoritism. If she underperforms, some of the burden will probably fall on them as well as on you. Whatever you think you owe your friend, you do owe your colleagues your professional judgment. The arrangement you’re contemplating is likely to take a toll on your in-house reputation, and on the very friendship you are hoping to honor.
Your sense of obligation is understandable. She gave you your start in the business. But surely she didn’t do so by concealing serious doubts about your abilities. You can still be helpful in other ways. You might review her résumé, pass along public job leads or introduce her to people, without hiding the fact that she’s a friend and without offering an endorsement of her work. As for your own place of employment: You do not need to invent a lack of openings. You can truthfully say that you are not in a position to get her a job there for which she is suited. What would be unkind is landing her a job in which she is likely to struggle, while leaving you and your colleagues to deal with the consequences.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader asking about their obligation to cover their stepdaughter’s tuition. They wrote:
When it came time for college, my stepdaughter (my husband’s daughter) received a generous gift from her mother’s family: four years of tuition, room and board. When we asked whether we could contribute, we were told it was unnecessary. My husband and I have two children together, and we were able to save enough to cover about one year of undergraduate tuition, room and board for each of them. The rest will have to come from loans. My stepdaughter has now been accepted into a doctoral program, but her mother’s family cannot cover the cost. She is angry that we saved for her siblings’ college educations but not for hers. … Are we responsible for saving an equal amount for all three children? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Your stepdaughter’s case is that you saved something for her two sisters and nothing for her. Your case is that she has already received far more educational support than they are likely to receive. It would obviously be good for her if you could help cover the cost of her graduate education. But if you can’t offer the same help to your other daughters should they pursue further degrees, you are not obliged to do so for her. … Assessing fairness … requires looking at the whole picture, including advantages that arrived from elsewhere. Loving children equally does not mean spending on them equally.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I think this child fails to comprehend the difference between fairness and justice. While fairness might entail the parents saving an equal amount for each child, justice demands that they treat them differently. The stepdaughter was already being gifted four years’ of expenses, much more than the family was able to save for the other children. I dislike the sense of entitlement, as well. A contribution toward college, even by parents, is a privilege and not a right. — Amy
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Retired professor’s advice: You or your family members should never pay graduate school tuition with your own funds. If a graduate program thinks you are a viable candidate with prospects for employment at the end of your degree program, at minimum they will offer full tuition for the program. A stipend is mandatory in the sciences, and should be bargained for in the humanities as a condition of enrollment post acceptance. — Martha
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As a child of divorce, I think that it’s important to make each child feel valued. Instead of saying, “We only have money for one year of undergrad,” say, “We only have this amount, which can cover undergrad for one year or six months’ of grad school. After that, you will need to cover it.” It’s OK to be honest about the loans and debt, but setting up a tier system with the children is corrosive. In our family, all five children were given money to put toward their adulthood. My siblings chose to get cars. I used the money for graduate school. I didn’t feel bad about not getting a car, because it was made clear that the same would be provided for everyone, and it was up to us how that money was spent. The stepdaughter shouldn’t be punished because her mother’s family had money to give her. — Megan
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I am a college professor. I earned a bachelor’s degrees, two master’s degrees and a doctorate, and I paid for all of it myself. I am the youngest of seven kids, and for those of us who went to college, self-funding was the only option. It was very difficult, but it was also my choice to pursue this level of education. I worked, and I saved. This is a reality for many. When I think about a doctoral candidate with this type of parental expectation, it kind of blows my mind. This young woman should be advised to get a job and work for awhile. She sounds really entitled, and it would be good for her to develop some insight into what it takes to earn and save. While an argument might be made for paying for a child’s bachelor’s degree, it is very difficult for me to believe that a parent’s responsibility extends to a doctorate, which typically takes five to six years, and may not ever be completed! — Kelly
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Although I agree with the Ethicist that all children should have equal access to educational opportunities, I disagree when it comes to what financial support communicates about commitment and love, particularly in a capitalist society. By declining to support his stepdaughter’s education, the father sends the message that he is willing to save money and even take on debt for the children from his second marriage, but not for her. I have seen this kind of unequal treatment among children, including adult children, create lasting resentment. — Stephanie
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