Not many would think motherhood is a good time to be selfish, but I have learned that selfishness is, in fact, essential to being a good mom.
If I had heard this advice before I had children, and even a year or two in, I would have rolled my eyes and dismissed the statement as ridiculous, abhorrent, immature, and very, very selfish. But now that I am in the trenches of raising three kids — 2, 4, and 17 — I know that being selfish not only benefits my health and well-being, but it just might be one of the most profound qualities I can demonstrate to my children.
Being a parent of littles is like waking up from a long-haul flight every day, one in which you flew economy, slept in the middle seat, kinked your neck, had too much to drink, and perhaps got food poisoning. And then you have to get off that flight and function as though everything is copacetic. All while raising little humans who cover themselves in yogurt they insist is sunscreen, scream at you to go away while holding onto your leg, insist they are NOT tired as their eyes roll back in their heads, and have a meltdown because their banana is cut/not cut/peeled/not peeled/broken/has a “yucky” bit/too sticky.
My life is a roller coaster of ups and downs and demands an abundance of love, patience, and energy. The only feasible way I see to dig deep enough to generate that each day is to spend time and energy on myself, too
Mothering is not about being selfless
For someone who was raised to think of others first, this concept of prioritizing myself is entirely new to me. Frankly, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.
I grew up thinking that being selfless was a prerequisite of being a mother and a mandatory attribute that if I didn’t possess, I should remain childless. I think most women are brought up this way, to think that motherhood entails sacrificing yourself to your children. Naturally, your life and identity change drastically once you have children, but sacrificing yourself ultimately harms everyone in your orbit. Now I know better.
Modeling happiness and self-love for my kids
I didn’t always have this understanding. After four years as a parent to littles and prioritizing everyone and everything over myself, I’m crumbling, physically and emotionally.
I feel frazzled, overwhelmed, and on edge, like I am constantly trying to catch my breath while futilely attempting to garner more patience and energy. But I can’t. And I can’t treat parenting like I have most things in my life: something to tick off a to-do list. For the first time in my life, there was something I couldn’t finish. The realization that there’s no end to parenting hit me like a thunderclap. However, I still needed to find some space for myself.
So now I’m making the intentional decision to be more self-focused. I’ll go to the gym instead of making those “wake up” muffins Instamoms have been telling me will ensure a seamless morning (they won’t).
Instead of researching how to eliminate the dummy, potty train, self-regulate emotions, or the myriad of other to-dos that fill my mind, I’ll force myself to pick up a (non-parenting) book. And when you live in a house with four boys, there will always be an endless pile of laundry, but the Netflix show I’ve been meaning to watch that helps distract my mind from all this for a moment will expire soon, so I’m going to watch that first.
It’s not always easy to prioritize myself
All this said, I still feel guilty and indulgent for choosing moments like these, but I always try to remind myself of the benefits, which for my children are three-fold: They get a more patient and balanced mom, they are taught valuable lessons about patience (mommy is lying down, you’ll have to wait) and independence (mommy is not here right now, but I know you can do that yourself), and most importantly they learn to prioritize and value themselves.
I’m hoping that by modeling a life well lived, my children will learn crucial life skills naturally at an early age.
Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint
Before I became a mom, I knew that it was incredibly important to me that my children see me happy. I wanted to give them the blueprint for a balanced and fulfilling life. It’s like the well-worn adage, “put your own oxygen mask on first,” except this isn’t an emergency — or is it?
If every day I am sacrificing more than I need to (isn’t it enough that I’ve already given up sleep, hot coffee, personal space, and uninterrupted conversations), I will be an impatient, cranky, unhappy version of myself. So I need to remind myself to be selfish every day. Because parenthood requires the endurance of a marathon, not a sprint, and marathoners need to take care of their bodies and minds to reach the finish line.
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