I am living temporarily with my mother after the recent death of my father. We’re very close, but we’re having tension over standards of cleanliness. Claiming that it’s to save water, my mother will reuse plates rather than getting clean ones. Or she will grab a dirty fork from the sink to use again. She avoids washing her hands, even after activities like cleaning the cat’s litter box. And if I ask her to use a fresh plate or wash her hands, she says that it’s my O.C.D. talking. But I think her behavior is objectively unhygienic. Still, once I move out and she’s living on her own, is it an issue if she chooses to live this way?
DAUGHTER
I’m sorry for your loss — and for your mother’s loss, too. And I’m grateful that you provided this helpful context in your letter. The death of a spouse — or a father, or any important person in our lives — can be traumatic, and grief is powerful. When my father died, for instance, I managed to power through the days as usual, but then I collapsed into bed by 7 most nights.
Have you considered that your mother’s behavior, which I take to be relatively new, may be caused by grief? Lack of energy and motivation — evidenced here by slipping standards of housekeeping and hygiene — are common signs of depression. Helping her to focus on her feelings now is more important than quibbling over plates. And who better than you to commiserate with her over your shared loss? Ask your mother how she’s doing.
I don’t belittle the importance of good hygiene, but reusing a fork seems like a second-order problem in the recent aftermath of a partner’s death. And mourning can be a long and bumpy road. If you or your mother experience feelings that seem unmanageable, reach out for help. We can talk about cutlery next year.
Not Her Idea of the Jet Set
For a decade, I have taken annual trips with a group of friends who are now in our 60s. Last year, we went to Brazil. Some of us are connected only through these shared travels. One man wears the same clothing most days: a T-shirt and a swimsuit that he thinks passes for shorts. (They do not.) Worse, he wears flip-flops everywhere. We worry that airlines may not allow him to board because of his footwear, or that he may be turned away from restaurants because of their dress codes. I’ve told him that flip-flops are bad for his feet. Several members of the group have noted his attire. Advice?
TRAVELER
Honesty is the best policy, right? So, let’s start with your question. I don’t believe that you are concerned with your companion’s arch support. And if an airline or a restaurant turns away this man because of his dress, he probably has the life skills — as a 60-something — to handle it. He will change into long pants and shoes.
I suspect the real issue here is your embarrassment at being seen with someone who is dressed poorly. I feel your pain! So, rather than being manipulative (“I’m concerned about your feet” or “People are talking”), tell the truth: “It makes me uncomfortable when you wear a swimsuit and flip-flops to dinner.” He may upgrade his wardrobe or tell you to mind your own business. We don’t generally control the leisure wear of other adults.
Let’s Get a Last Dinner on the Books
A friend suggested that my husband and I meet a couple who are friends of hers. They invited us to dinner at their home. While there, we learned that the wife’s politics are anathema to us. (The husband was more circumspect.) We were polite and found other things to discuss. But when the husband and I were out of the room, the wife made some offensive comments to my husband. He will not socialize with them again. Normally, I would reciprocate a dinner invitation, even if we didn’t like the couple. What should I do?
WIFE
I think that in trying to follow the letter of hospitality, you’ve lost sight of its spirit — which is about being considerate of others. It seems far-fetched to me that the wife could make herself irredeemable during the presumably brief period when you were out of the room, but I wasn’t there. I would only suggest that you and your husband consider whether her comments were intentionally hurtful — or based on inexperience. It matters! Still, if she is dead to you, reciprocating dinner would be condescending, not polite.
Where’s My One (1) Trip to the Zoo?
My family often gives experiential gifts for birthdays and holidays: a family tour of the arboretum, for instance, or a mother-daughter trip to the bookstore. Unfortunately, many of these experiences never materialize. Who is responsible for scheduling them: the giver or the receiver?
M.
I think either party can initiate scheduling, don’t you? It’s an easy lift to arrange a mother-daughter trip to town. But for more complex logistics — like an extended family outing — a big part of the gift involves finding a date that works for everyone. And the responsibility for that falls to the giver, in my view. Don’t be shy about asking for updates, though: The gift was given freely.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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