Moving in with your partner can be an exciting next step in your relationship. However, for some couples, it can also mark the end of your connection. Here’s what you should know about navigating this major relationship and life change.
Why Moving In Might End Your Relationship
According to new research from home appliance brand SharkNinja, 3 in 5 Americans say moving in together nearly ended their relationship. But why, exactly, is this such a common problem?
“Moving in might end a relationship if couples learn things about each other that are deal breakers that weren’t obvious when they lived separately,” says Mary McLaughlin, couples therapist and discernment counselor in Vienna, Virginia. “I once worked with a woman who didn’t like the way her partner sounded on work calls. It was a side of him she didn’t notice until they shared space. Once she heard it, she couldn’t unhear it, and it turned out to be a deal breaker for her.”
Of course, what justifies a “dealbreaker” depends entirely on the individual. Is it a small annoyance or an “ick” you can get over, or is it a deeper incompatibility haunting your home? And how well can you solve these issues together?
“Moving in can also end a relationship if partners avoid bringing things up or don’t work as a team to address problems,” McLaughlin says. “Occasionally after living together, people realize they still care about the person but don’t want to share space or build life with them.”
Tips for Navigating the Transition of Moving In Together
1. Voice Your Wishes, Not Your Complaints
Attacking your partner usually doesn’t get the result you’re seeking. Instead, it’s better to voice exactly how you feel, making it more about your needs than about their shortcomings.
“In couples therapy, we often say, ‘Behind every complaint is a longing or a wish,’” McLaughlin says. “The partner raising the concern can help by leading with the wish. So instead of, ‘You always leave the door unlocked! Why can’t you remember?’ try, ‘I feel more secure when the door is locked. Can we work on making sure this happens every night?’”
2. Choose Your Battles
It’s easy to get frustrated by someone you see every single day, even if it’s just a friend. In fact, many people have lost close friends after living with them for a year or two. When romance and intimacy are involved, the stakes can feel even higher, which is why it’s crucial to practice self-regulation and to choose your battles wisely.
Odds are, you’ll run into small annoyances. Maybe your partner leaves his shoes by the door or listens to the TV on high volume. Most likely, your living habits trigger the same frustration in your partner, too.
“If you want to live exactly as you wish, with no consideration for others, you should probably stay single,” McLaughlin says.
3. Be Flexible
Flexibility doesn’t come naturally to everyone (myself included), but thankfully, it’s a skill that can be developed over time. When you enter a relationship with another person, you must acknowledge that their wants and needs are just as important as your own.
“Moving in together can simply be a tough transition that a couple works through, but that will depend on their ability to be flexible and understand a perspective that’s different from their own,” says McLaughlin. “If one person wears shoes in the house and the other takes them off at the door, it’s not about the shoes. It’s about each person honoring what really matters to their partner.”
Of course, small, differing preferences like the above are much easier to work through than lifestyle or values-based misalignments. If you simply can’t meet your partner halfway, perhaps it’s time to admit your incompatibilities and part ways.
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