For some time, I’ve known that my adult cousin struggles with drug addiction. But she and her parents lived several states away, and I rarely saw any of them. That changed about three years ago, when her parents, my aunt and uncle, bought a second home nearby and began appearing more regularly in my life.
The problem is that her parents do not simply pretend nothing is wrong; they actively supply cover stories. The last time I saw my cousin, she looked like a zombie, hunched over with hollowed eyes. My aunt explained that she had been having trouble sleeping.
I feel we’re in an “emperor’s new clothes” situation. My aunt gaslights the rest of the family about her daughter’s condition, while my uncle meekly acquiesces. Making it worse is that my aunt is difficult herself, quick to air her political opinions or criticize other people. My frustration with her personality makes it harder to tolerate being lied to.
Increasingly, I find myself avoiding these relatives, though that is difficult because they solicit family involvement. I am sick of the charade we are expected to maintain around them. At the same time, I do not feel it is my place to challenge my aunt’s lies or confront my cousin about her addiction. When I imagine myself in their position, I know I would not want to discuss my child’s drug addiction openly with relatives. How should I handle this? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
You’ve conducted a useful thought experiment by asking what you would want of your family if your own daughter had a substance-abuse problem. But you’ve come to the wrong conclusion. Indulging this pretense does nobody any good. Family discussions, while potentially embarrassing, can actually help people think through how to help someone who is struggling with addiction. As the N.I.H. National Institute on Drug Abuse notes, addiction is treatable. But people don’t seek treatment unless they first recognize that they have a problem requiring it.
Your aunt’s charade is pushing you toward putting real distance between yourself and her. If that’s where you’re headed, what’s the risk in telling your aunt that you think it’s pretty obvious that her daughter is using drugs and needs help? Unlike your policy of avoidance, speaking your mind at least stands a chance of improving the situation.
Because drug addiction affects families, there are organizations, including SMART Recovery’s family-and-friends group and Nar-Anon, that help them share the challenges of dealing with loved ones who are in trouble. So if you’re feeling family-minded, you could even offer to join a local meeting of such a group. People who have had similar experiences can assist others in thinking through how best to help. Even if your aunt’s first response is denial and resentment, there’s a possibility that she will come to see that there are better alternatives to her current see-no-evil strategy.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a letter writer who was concerned about the working conditions at their condominium. They wrote:
I live in a condominium that is being expanded. Two contractors … employ crews of young Hispanic men who many of us suspect are undocumented. They work long hours, seven days a week, including holidays, even Christmas. They speak little English and seem wary of interacting with residents. Some of us worry that the contractors are exploiting them, paying less than minimum wage, denying overtime and warning them against speaking with outsiders because of their precarious situation. … How should we balance our concern for these men with the risk of putting them in the cross hairs? They may be here “illegally,” but it seems wrong to ignore their exploitation. — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
In a variety of ways, the current administration in Washington has made the exploitation of undocumented workers easier. Officially, federal labor and employment laws cover all workers regardless of immigration status. But the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services website has archived or removed much guidance on worker protections. Previous protections for undocumented workers involved in labor-enforcement investigations have been rescinded or curtailed. … Before you pressure the board or alert the state authorities, then, get in touch with a local immigrant-worker organization or legal-aid employment lawyer. You don’t have to be an expert to behave conscientiously, but — as that ethic of responsibility would urge — you do have to know what you don’t know.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Do nothing. If you care about immigrants, say nothing. ICE will be called in to pick them up, but the employer will walk free. He will hire other illegal workers to replace those who were deported. Wash, rinse, repeat. — Teri
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From my experience working in the landscaping industry, these workers just want to make a living. “Exploitation” is in the eyes of the beholder. Also, how does the writer know that these workers are undocumented? Seems they are jumping to a conclusion without adequate information. They could be here legally on temporary work visas. If they are undocumented, shining a light on them may be the quickest way to get them deported. — Gregg
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If other owners in the H.O.A. understand that the board is hiring improperly, they might try to assert control, or oust the present board. The board is creating potential liability for the H.O.A. by working with uninsured contractors, and is potentially failing in its fiduciary duty to the association. — Jane
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The recent political changes in our country have made my neighbors more aware of the potentially undocumented workers the letter writer describes. Here they gather on street corners awaiting work. On a regular basis, we bring them lunch, give them info on local services and send them home with items for their children. It’s not going to change the world, but we like to think it helps. — Chris
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Our municipality has strict rules regarding days and times work can be done by outside contractors. Reminding them of those regulations might limit some of the overtime with the threat of having the permit rescinded, and without threatening the workers. — Howard
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