OCD is one of the most debilitating anxiety disorders out there, and one I’ve struggled with since I was a little kid. As I’ve grown into adulthood, my OCD has evolved right along with me.
Perhaps the most difficult theme I’ve struggled with is relationship-OCD (ROCD), which has caused me to doubt and obsess over my romantic relationships. At my worst, I’ve spent hours ruminating about whether I actually loved my partner (and vice versa) and whether we were compatible, searching for signs and reassurance that I was making the right choice. This was a common occurrence in all of my relationships, regardless of who I was dating. It was never about the actual person or our connection. Rather, it was about my own discomfort with complete certainty.
While some doubt is common in dating, ROCD takes it to the next level, stripping you of the security you might typically feel in a romantic connection. No matter how healthy or fitting a relationship might be, OCD can find a way to sabotage it.
Sound familiar? Here are four signs you might be experiencing relationship-OCD—and how to navigate dating with OCD.
1. You Excessively Worry Whether You’re in the Right Relationship
One of my most glaringly obvious symptoms of ROCD was the excessive doubt about the “rightness” of my relationships. No matter who I was dating, I would always overanalyze whether they were a fit for me—and not in a healthy, self-reflective manner. I couldn’t let a relationship play out naturally, because I craved absolute certainty that I did, in fact, love my partner, and vice versa.
According to Cameron Murphey, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), people with ROCD “experience doubts about their relationship for hours upon hours every single day.”
“As a result, people with ROCD describe feeling exhausted and confused from all of the worrying they do,” he points out.
2. You ‘Check’ Your Attraction
Many people with ROCD—myself included—seek reassurance that they’re actually attracted to/in love with their partner. This might look like monitoring or even testing your own feelings toward your partner, then spiraling if you don’t feel turned on or head-over-heels in love 100% of the time.
“Someone with ROCD will constantly analyze how they feel when they’re around their partner,” says Murphey. “It’s like they’re holding up a microscope to every sensation and feeling they have, as if those feelings will tell them whether they should stay or leave.”
3. You Feel the Need to ‘Confess’ Your Doubts
ROCD is a brutal demon. Not only will it give you excessive doubts and ego-dystonic thoughts about your relationship, but it will then make you feel guilty for experiencing them in the first place. As a result, many people will often “confess” their feelings to their partner.
“Being uncertain about your relationship can feel like a massive secret, and someone with ROCD might feel like they need to tell their partner if they are to remain honest,” says Murphey. “But when they tell their partner about their doubts, it almost always ends up hurting the other person, who now feels like they’re doing something wrong in the relationship.”
4. You Hyperfixate on Your Partner’s Perceived Faults
Perhaps one of the most difficult symptoms of ROCD—at least for me—is the hyperfixation on my partner’s “faults.” Just as my brain will attack me as a person, it will also attack the people I love most, namely my romantic partner. It will pick them apart in various ways, and even though I don’t actually agree with the thoughts, they’re still loud and persistent, triggering a sense of guilt I often can’t shake.
According to Murphey, many people with ROCD fall into this habit. Additionally, they might compare their relationship or partner to others, attempting to understand whether they’re choosing the right partner.
Navigating Dating With ROCD
The best way to handle your ROCD (or general OCD) is by accepting your thoughts rather than fighting them. Don’t view your doubts as something that needs to be addressed or solved. Avoid reassurance-seeking behavior (like checking your attraction or ruminating about your doubts) and confessing.
“Don’t over-analyze your feelings for them. Don’t monitor how anxious you feel around them. Don’t spend hours searching for signs as to whether you two are right for each other,” says Murphey. “Instead, postpone trying to figure anything out. Give yourself the time and space to get to know the other person. Embrace not knowing the answers. Enjoy learning about the other person. Discover what it’s like to spend time with them.”
“When you do this, you let the relationship teach you what you need to know,” he adds. “Time will give you the answer as to whether you want to make a deeper commitment to this person, if you let it.”
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