My adult niece will soon be visiting Chicago, where I live. She suggested that we have dinner together while she is here. I mentioned this to my sister, my niece’s mother, and she immediately proposed flying to Chicago, surprising her daughter at the restaurant and staying for a few days. But I never get to see my niece alone. So, I explained to my sister that I wanted to have dinner with my niece by myself. I suggested other dates for her to visit, and I said I hoped she understood. She didn’t, but she agreed not to come. Our other sister has also expressed a desire to spend time alone with our niece, but her mother always reacts negatively. Was I wrong to refuse her visit?
AUNT
When I was a boy, my mother told me that if I was invited to birthday parties, I shouldn’t mention the invitations to other friends. They may not have been invited, and that could hurt their feelings. It’s good advice — even for adults. And in a certain sense, it applies to your issue, though I certainly don’t think you did anything wrong here.
You seem to be well aware, however, of your sister’s attachment to her daughter: She prizes time with her and pursues it vigorously. If you had kept mum about the dinner date to which your sister was not invited, you might simply have enjoyed a nice meal with your niece. No need to quash any surprise visits or to explain the importance of time alone with her.
Now, I know you didn’t mention the dinner to hurt your sister. Who could predict that she would want to fly in for a single meal? But feelings of exclusion are not always rational. Your sister seems to want to see her daughter whenever possible — and boarding an airplane and crashing your dinner date are no impediment. Next time, follow my mother’s advice and keep your plans to yourself. That way, there will (probably) be no visit requests to refuse.
That’s Between George and Martha
My husband and I have longtime friends with whom we often dine. We mostly enjoy their company. The problem: When we get together, the wife snaps at her husband. She gives him angry instructions and makes dismissive comments. The husband puts up with this to avoid creating a scene. It’s uncomfortable for us. Should I speak to the wife privately? I’m afraid she won’t take even a gentle conversation well.
FRIEND
It’s painful to witness snappish behavior and real-life enactments of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” Still, it’s hard to tell from your letter whether you have an independent relationship with the wife — which would make constructive criticism more natural — or if your interactions are limited to dinners for four.
As you probably know, marriages are complicated, and outsiders rarely know what’s really going on, or why. Your claim that the husband says nothing to avoid making a scene, for instance, is just your theory. You don’t know what happens between them before you meet or after you leave. So, if you speak to the wife, focus on what you do know: how her behavior affects you. “When you snap at your husband, it makes us uncomfortable.” Then the ball is in her court.
She’s Had Her Fill of Bellyaching
For 11 years, I have had two colleagues who complain endlessly about our company and its management. They say that they want to leave and that they’re hunting for new jobs. But after a decade, it seems more likely that they’re just blowing off steam. Our team is under considerable stress from recent cutbacks and layoffs, and my colleagues’ constant harping makes our cubicle culture even more unpleasant. Is there a kind way to tell them to shut up already?
CO-WORKER
There was probably a time when you might have redirected your colleagues’ complaints toward solutions: “How do you think we should fix this?” Or poured cold water on their griping: “What do you want me to do about it?” But after a decade, their grousing is now habitual. And they don’t need you to participate because they have each other.
So, the real question is how to navigate negative cubicle chatter. You can certainly tell your colleagues that their constant complaining is stressful and ask them to stop. But after 11 years of it, I’m not optimistic. The practical solutions here probably involve noise-canceling headphones or — more drastically — a well-documented complaint to your manager about your colleagues’ detrimental effect on morale.
In the Doghouse Just for Being Old
There is an old dog in my apartment building that cannot maintain bladder control. It pees in the elevator and in front of our building. The dog looks drugged and can barely walk. (I saw it fall in the lobby.) It also smells. Can I submit a report of animal abuse?
TENANT
Every living creature ages and suffers bodily challenges (sometimes they are the side effects of medication). But that is not abuse. And I hope you’re not suggesting that you should decide when this dog should be euthanized. I would skip animal control and speak to your super. Perhaps the dog can use the service elevator. And try to muster some compassion for your neighbors, who may be struggling to care for an aging member of the family.
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