Being called names in bed shouldn’t be a turn-on. And yet, for a significant portion of the population, it absolutely is.
Degradation as a kink—being verbally demeaned, humiliated, or talked down to during sex—is one of the most common yet least openly discussed sexual interests around. In a study of 184 sadomasochistic practitioners in Finland, 70% reported recently engaging in verbal humiliation. A broader survey by Kinsey Institute research fellow Dr. Justin Lehmiller found that a third of people with sadomasochistic experience had practiced it. This isn’t a niche happening in a dark corner of the internet. It’s a mainstream sexual interest that most people just don’t talk about at brunch.
The psychology behind it is more layered than most people expect. Psychologist Roy Baumeister’s foundational research on masochism proposed that the appeal of sexual submission and humiliation is rooted in what he called “escaping the self”—the desire to temporarily shed the weight of identity, responsibility, and self-consciousness. Being degraded in a consensual context forces a kind of ego dissolution that everyday life doesn’t offer. For people who carry a lot of pressure—high achievers, chronic overthinkers, people who are always in control—the appeal of giving that up completely makes sense in a way.
Power Plays a Role as Well, of Course
The power dynamic is the other piece. Rebecca Jay, a licensed social worker and kink-positive therapist who spoke to Elite Daily, describes erotic humiliation as falling squarely within the broader world of dominance and submission, where the exchange of control is the actual point. “Erotic humiliation can help partners feel more connected, especially if their scene inspires giggles or requires a deeper level of trust,” Jay said. The humiliation becomes an act of intimacy, something that only works because both people are fully in it together.
Then there’s the shame angle. Researchers have pointed to the idea that shame and anxiety, when they can’t be processed normally, have a way of finding other outlets. A degradation scene provides a controlled environment where shame gets switched on deliberately, and then discharged through pleasure rather than just sitting there. Humiliatrix Betty Pickles described it to StyleCaster as “the same kind of anxiety rush you get from going on a roller coaster—sort of awful, but you love it.”
Consent and communication are the non-negotiables. Jay recommends identifying ahead of time what crosses from humiliating into actually hurtful, a line that varies enormously from person to person. A word that one person finds electrifying could be very damaging to another. Getting that conversation out of the way before anyone’s clothes come off is what separates a good scene from a bad one.
The degradation kink, at its core, is about control; specifically, about choosing to give it up. That’s about as human as it gets.
The post People Don’t Have Degradation Kinks for the Reason You Think appeared first on VICE.
