DEAR ABBY: My husband was married to a woman who lied to him about being pregnant. She wasn’t at the time, but she later became pregnant. They had two sons and divorced five years later. He never loved her.
I married him eight years after that. We have been happily married for 45 years. I always thought I had a great relationship with both of his sons (now 58 and 56). When we retired and moved to Florida, they suddenly became angry and announced that they had always hated me.
They had wanted us to move next door to their mother and live as “one big, happy family.” My husband and I couldn’t imagine that. His ex is well educated and has a Ph.D. in family therapy. She never remarried. She is manipulative and controlling.
Now, they won’t speak to us or let us see the four grandchildren. It’s heartbreaking. We reached out twice, trying to make amends. We had a wonderful relationship with three of the grandchildren before this happened. My husband’s sons told him: “Dad, if you move back here, live close to mom and leave your current wife, we will forgive you.” Help! — SADDENED IN THE SUNSHINE STATE
DEAR SADDENED: How does your husband feel about the emotional blackmail his sons are attempting? Forgive me for using the vernacular, but they and their family therapist mother are loony tunes! You don’t need my help. You and your husband need only to use your common sense. What is being proposed is outside the realm of reality.
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DEAR ABBY: I have two nieces. Each has two children. The children range from 12 to 18 years old. All of them live in my country of origin in Europe. I haven’t been able to visit for more than 10 years, so the younger ones don’t remember me. I have, however, always sent them gifts of money for Christmas and birthdays, around $25 each time for each child, plus their mothers. When the eldest was 18, I sent a larger gift, around $75, with similar amounts for significant exam results and graduation. I intend to do this for all four of them.
My question is: Can I stop these gifts now that one is an adult and phase out the gifts for all of them after they graduate from high school? I can afford to keep on giving them $25 for the holidays and birthdays, but it isn’t going to buy them much in college and, to be honest, I’m growing a bit tired of all the gifting.
I understand the eldest two are particularly brilliant and will go to famous universities, but I haven’t seen any evidence that they can write at all (i.e., not one thank-you letter, ever!) Would it seem mean and petty if I stopped, or should I wait until they are out of college? — MEAN AUNTIE IN N. CAROLINA
DEAR AUNTIE: Do not punish the kids for something their parents failed to teach them. The money you have been sending hasn’t created a hardship for you, and a pattern has been established. If you opt to stop the monetary gifts, explain to your nieces your disappointment that in all these years you have received not one response for your thoughtfulness from their children.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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