Have you ever dated someone who claimed to be interested in a relationship, but when it came down to actually deepening commitment, you could sense their hesitation? Some people might even believe they want a committed relationship while actually fearing it or, worse, avoiding it like the plague. Naturally, this can create a shaky foundation, trigger confusion, and actually lead to disconnect rather than mutual connection.
Mila Smith, a certified Relationship & Dating Coach at From Single to Couple, gave VICE five signs someone is not ready for commitment—despite what they might be telling you.
1. They Avoid Meeting Your Loved Ones
Someone who wants to deepen their commitment to you will want to meet the people you value, including friends and family. If your partner claims to want a relationship yet always turns down social invites or cancels plans with your loved ones, they might actually be avoiding commitment.
“When you’re in love, understandably, you want your partner to connect with all the people in your life,” says Smith. “If they are not ready or don’t see a future together, they will usually try to avoid that.”
2. They Use ‘I’ Language Rather Than ‘We’ Language
If someone is happy to claim you in private but keeps you separate in public, that’s a massive red flag that they’re not ready for commitment. For example, they might tell stories to friends and conveniently leave you out, or maybe they make plans for themselves without factoring you into them. Subconsciously, this could mean they’re not ready to view you two as a couple.
“When two people are building a relationship, they begin to think of themselves not as separate individuals but as a couple. This is called mutuality: referring to the two of you as an ‘us’ or ‘we,’” says Smith. “People who aren’t ready will keep saying, ‘I am going to do…’ or ‘I went out…’ etc, instead of using ‘we’ language.”
3. They Don’t Connect With You on Social Media
Whether it’s ignoring your comments, refusing to accept your follow request, or simply not reposting your Instagram stories of them, your partner’s social media behavior can tell you a lot about their desire for commitment.
“Someone who is not ready to commit will avoid any connection on social media and will not want to be seen together in the digital world, much like in real life,” says Smith.
4. They Avoid Future Talk
While future talk might not happen right away, someone who wants a committed relationship with you will want to factor you into their future. On the other hand, someone who isn’t ready for commitment will likely avoid it at all costs.
“They will not talk about the future together and avoid making long-term plans. If you mention a concert or a potential vacation a couple of months away, they’ll find an excuse not to commit to it,” Smith says. “They often use phrases like: ‘Let’s just see how it goes’ or ‘I don’t have a crystal ball’ and similar.”
5. They Lack Self-Disclosure
One of the clearest signs someone isn’t ready for commitment is the avoidance of self-disclosure. In other words, they refuse to share more about themselves, despite you already opening up to them
“They talk about hobbies, work, food, movie and music preferences, but that’s about it. It’s superficial, rather than deep emotional stuff,” Smith explains. “As relationships develop and trust grows, people are motivated to reveal a lot about themselves to the other person. Maybe share secrets they’ve never told anyone before. What you say to each other becomes deeper and more personal in nature.”
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