In a highly non-commital dating world, it’s no wonder so many singles are creating rules, limits, and boundaries to protect their time and energy. As such, people are now using “sunset clauses” to ensure they’re not over-investing in a relationship that’s going nowhere. This mutually set deadline helps keep couples on track for a deeper commitment. Let’s dive in.
What Is a Dating ‘Sunset Clause’?
According to Mary McLaughlin, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist with more than 25 years of experience, “A sunset clause is essentially an agreement to pause at a predetermined point in the relationship and ask, ‘Do we want to continue, or is it time to move on?’”
“Evaluating a relationship is useful, especially since many couples never stop and intentionally talk about how the relationship is going,” she adds.
Of course, you don’t need to be quite so strict with your timeline, but keeping a general limit in mind will ensure you’re not wasting months just “going with the flow.” We all know where that leads.
Should You Create a ‘Sunset Clause’ in Your Dating Life?
Whether you should create a sunset clause is entirely up to you and your personal dating goals. In fact, most of us do it without even realizing it. But of course, we all know this generation just loves to use dramatic dating terms and strict rules.
“The question I’d ask is, ‘Why wait until a date on the calendar to have this discussion?’ Instead, there is value in couples deciding to regularly check in with each other about what’s working, what’s challenging, and what adjustments could help the relationship thrive,” McLaughlin explains. “These small course corrections often make a much bigger difference than one high-stakes conversation at the end of a timeline.”
While a sunset clause can help ensure you’re not wasting your time with someone, a strict timeline might also prevent you from allowing your connection to flourish in the first place.
“I’d also question the assumption that a relationship isn’t working because you’re with the wrong person,” McLaughlin points out. “Sometimes the issue isn’t that you’ve chosen the wrong person. It’s that the two of you haven’t yet figured out how to create a relationship that works for both of you.”
“If a couple reaches the end of a sunset clause without having made any meaningful changes along the way, they’re evaluating the same relationship they started with,” McLaughlin adds. “Before deciding whether the relationship has run its course, give yourselves the opportunity to see what the relationship can become.”
How to Implement the Sunset Clause
Implementing a sunset clause into your dating life is as simple as setting a predetermined time limit on your connection before deciding whether to deepen your commitment or walk away.
Dating coach Alexandra Mazur, founder of Beyond Herpes, has a positive lived experience with using the sunset clause.
“My boyfriend and I decided we would not date longer than three months if we weren’t yet confident that we were headed for marriage,” she shares. “That was in February of this year, and now our wedding date is set for October 3rd! As someone who navigated the dating space in NYC during my entire 20s and then continued to waste time dating the wrong people, this concept of not wasting time with someone who is incompatible is something I wish [had been] drilled into me. I spend time with people I wasn’t even aligned with on faith, politics, for family dreams, just thinking/hoping maybe something would shift or I’d change them—NOPE!”
“Now, finally, when I decided to only date someone who shared my values and stuck to it, did I land a husband,” Mazur continues. “I coach people on dating because of my job, helping people who specifically deal with a herpes diagnosis, but the encouragement is the same for anyone: Don’t waste your time with someone who you don’t feel at peace with, aligned with, and ready to take on the world together with.”
Everyone has a different timeline, of course, but creating your own “sunset clause” might just help keep you on track with your own dating goals.
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