DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 35 years. The week we were to celebrate our 34th anniversary, he invited a female friend to our vacation home for an overnight rendezvous. He was unaware that our adult children had placed a trail cam in the woods – and he was caught red-handed. He was called out for his behavior, forcing him to tell me.
I was shocked but not surprised at this. I believe they’d been having an emotional affair for many years. I had warned him that he was getting sucked in and that it could be costly to his career, but he did it anyway.
After it happened, I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me and to apologize to our children. He did neither. I went to counseling for six months. We are still married and live under the same roof. What the affair did was open my eyes wide to the person he is – a liar, cheater and betrayer. I see all of his faults, and I don’t like him. He isn’t a nice person. He also blamed me for his cheating.
I’m not sure I can be married to him any longer. Cheaters think they are only cheating on their spouse. Actually, they cheat on the whole family. I don’t think he is sorry for his behavior. I have much invested in the marriage and I’m retired. I am not sure I can start over. I’m also not sure I can live being so desperately unhappy. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have suffered mental anguish for too long. — DESTROYED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR DESTROYED: You have a lot to figure out. That’s why it’s time for you to go back to your therapist (or find a new one) for help in determining how you want to live the rest of your life. From what you have written, you now live with a nasty man you no longer trust or respect who blames you for his cheating.
As you enter therapy, please line up appointments with several attorneys who specialize in family law. These individuals can educate you about what your rights are as a wife of 35 years in Wisconsin, which, I believe, is a community property state. Once you know where you stand financially, starting over again may not seem so frightening.
P.S. Normally under these circumstances, I would advise the cheated-upon spouse to make an appointment to be checked for STDs, but because the relationship you have with your husband since he strayed is so frosty, it may not be necessary in your case.
DEAR ABBY: I love my wife. We’ve been married for 34 years. She watches more sports events than I do, no matter who is playing. I only like to watch the teams I like. I couldn’t care less about other teams.
What can I do for a little peace besides having to leave the room? I am the only one working – and I work more than 50 hours a week. All I want sometimes is some peace and QUIET. — GAMED OUT IN ARIZONA
DEAR GAMED OUT: If you need peace and quiet during your off time, buy a second television set and put it in another room of the house. That way, your wife can enjoy her sporting events, and you can have the peace and quiet you need in order to recharge.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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