I am hearing terrible things about Raw Story. Just terrible. People are telling me — very smart people, the smartest people — that some of you are not giving this column your complete and undivided attention. That’s bad. Very, very bad. Frankly, it’s a disgrace.
You think I don’t notice? You think I can’t tell when you’re skimming? When you’re reading every third paragraph? I notice everything, believe me. When you keep checking your phone while I’m in the middle of making an absolutely tremendous point, not good. Wrong. It makes me very upset.
You think I don’t see it? You think I don’t know when you’re not absorbing the words completely? I know it, and for anyone caught doing it, I’m considering sanctions. Nothing major at first. Maybe your television remote only works when you’re standing up. Maybe every shopping cart you touch develops an annoying, mysterious wobble. Maybe all your socks slowly rotate inside your shoes throughout the day.
You laugh. That’s why you’re a loser. You’re all losers.
There’s talk that you should be investigated. Everyone is saying it. It has nothing to do with me. You should face consequences because it’s treasonous. When you criticize what I write, it’s always fake news.
Don’t you dare stop reading this now. Close it and there will be consequences. You’re low IQ. You’re weak. If I sued you, you wouldn’t have the stomach for it and you’d run like a coward.
Now I remember what this is all about. My memory is better than anyone my age. All the doctors are telling me, and they can’t believe it. They say, “Sir, how is it that you have the memory of a 20-year-old? It’s simply not possible.” And I tell them my brain is much bigger than average. That’s probably why.
I know that if I write “Pizza. Suitcase. Popsicle. Hyena” here right now, I’ll remember what it is by the end of this column and in that exact order. I’m brilliant that way.
Where was I? Oh yeah. If this column does not receive the attention it deserves, I’m prepared to take drastic action. I will authorize a 300 percent tariff on browsers. Every time your eyes jump ahead to the next paragraph before finishing the current one, you’ll owe an additional paragraph of mandatory reading.
People are saying it’s fair.
And don’t even think about skipping to the end. We know who you are. The analytics know. The internet knows. Don’t make me recruit better readers from other columns. Don’t test me. I’ll do it.
OK. Now let’s talk about Iran. Stupid country. We should have obliterated them when we had the chance. Actually, wait, we did obliterate them and wiped their civilization off the face of the earth, but they survived somehow. And what kind of gratitude do they show? They close the Strait of Hormuz to all traffic. So terrible.
If they don’t agree to rip up the Memorandum of Understanding (I call it the MOU) and agree to better terms, we may just have to obliterate them again. It would be very sad, but that’s how regime change works. You go from one idiot regime to another.
It’s kind of how it is with the Dumocrats. The Radical Left Lunatics are determined to destroy this country by paying their taxes, helping the people who need help most, and being decent to one another. Quite frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach. This is why the Enemy From Within poses the greatest THREAT to America and Americans. They are SCUM, and by SCUM I mean a Strategic Coalition for Unlimited Mhorribleness.
These thugs are all Communists, Marxists and Fascists, sick people who want to see the country succeed on their own terms. It’s disgusting. They are traitors practicing seditious behavior who must be stopped. Only unconditional surrender will be acceptable.
For the next several hundred words, I would like to explain why what you are reading now is the greatest column ever written in the history of columns. Bigger than Hemingway. Bigger than Twain. Bigger than the Magna Carta, which many people now agree was basically an early draft of one of my social media posts.
I’d also like to talk about the upcoming 250th anniversary of our country. I call it the Semiquincentennial. That’s a word that I made up and no one has ever spelled correctly until now. It marks 250 years since the signing of the Gettysburg Address. You can look it up.
It is my Great Honor to discuss it, about the rockets’ red glare and the bombs bursting in hair. And about the Failing New York Times. They never acknowledge my brilliance. They would rather talk about my poll numbers, which are, of course, rigged, like the 2020 Election. Don’t worry, we’ll be fixing that soon, and this column is the start of that movement.
Stay with me here. Daydreaming is not allowed! Beginning immediately, anyone who daydreams while reading this column risks being placed on a watch list. Not a government watch list. Worse. A disappointment watch list.
Every morning, you’ll receive an email that simply says, “We expected more.”
If readers would just give these paragraphs their full attention, none of this would be necessary. But some people insist on testing me. Let this be a warning: disrespect will not be tolerated. I will personally make your computer stop working. And trust me that I can do it. I can do anything I want. There are no limits to my literary power.
Now, let’s see if I can remember the five elements of my memory test sequence from earlier in the column. Here they are: “Cheeseburger. Diet Coke. Hypertension. Stroke. Funeral.”
There you go. Perfect. Like always.
Thank you for your attention to this matter!
(Ray Richmond is a longtime journalist/author and an adjunct professor at Chapman University in Orange, CA.)
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